Then, in a less than two week period I was asked to guest post. UGH…seriously?!? I can’t write anything, why would you ask me to guest post.

by Mary Bonner | Dec 6, 2013 | Uncategorized | 16 comments
Then, in a less than two week period I was asked to guest post. UGH…seriously?!? I can’t write anything, why would you ask me to guest post.
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In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.
The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner
The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.
I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!
And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!
Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!
May 9
She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.
Born 6-9-1992
Died 6-12-1992
Buried 6-16-1992
That would be 31 years ago today.
Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.
This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.
I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.
I took a walk.
Got a pedicure.
Cried.
And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.
And I give myself permission to do nothing else.
I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.
John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.
I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.
A loss is a loss.
Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.
#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief
Jun 16
In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.
My heart still hurts.
I cry at random times.
And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.
I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.
The relationships.
The life events.
Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.
Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.
If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.
#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief
Jun 9
Today is Palm Sunday.
I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.
As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.
I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.
Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.
I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.
I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.
The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.
If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.
Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.
"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102
Apr 2
@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!
Aug 6
Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.
She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.
There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.
I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.
Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8
If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13
And live to tell about.
Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992
#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor
Jun 3
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Friend? Mary? Your words this morning… just what I needed to hear – so glad that we are Five Minute Friday neighbours! I too have been feeling like my blog is a ghost town… and then your reminder that God walks in the silence as well, that He has something to show us in every moment in our lives? Well it is just what this weary writer's heart needed to hear. {hugs}
I am so glad that this touched your heart…the word desert can be a tough place to visit.
I could have so easily written this post. I have struggled to find the words, to find the inspiration or even the feelings needed to write. Then with the prompt of a guest post the emotions and then words are flowing. Don't you love it when God does that? thanks for sharing.
I do love it when God does things like that, Amy. And while I am sorry that you have experienced the same dry desert, I am glad I am not alone!
Oh, I can so relate…I have had lots of dryness lately when it has come to writing. Wondering if it is all pointless and if I should just quit the blogging. I still don't have an answer. Thank you for your post as it has encouraged me that silence isn't the sign that I should quit, but that He works in it. Hugs to you!
Dionne, don't quit. There is a blessing in the quiet, sometimes it is just hard to hear.
God works in the barren, in the quiet spaces where we make room for more of Him to fill us. Love this reminder 🙂
Crystal! Thank you for stopping by and I am learning that he works in the barren, quiet spaces.
Mary,
I love how you trust God in the silence…and it is in the hidden, that new life is birthed…Jesus was hidden in Mary's womb, then lived an anonymous life for 30 years before 3 years of public ministry..all to encourage you to keep writing…God is working in your life, my friend 🙂
Oh, Dolly…he REALLY is working in my life. Thank you for these sweet words of encouragement.
I'm so thankful you are writing. I know what it's like to feel as if you only have small to offer. I still feel that way so many times. But friend, you inspire me and encourage my heart. I've had many times when the words would not flow. I am actually still in one of those seasons (thus the link ups and theme posts). I am hoping God will open the flood gates soon. Hugs!
I am sorry that you are experiencing the lack of words too, Barren times can be so difficult. Thank you for encouraging me!
I go through very dry seasons and flounder and feel like an empty faucet. And times when I pour out my words I feel vulnerable and weak and wonder why I bleed out like this. But He blesses in times of plenty and in times of want. Thank you for sharing your honest heart. Visiting from FMF and you blessed my heart tonight.
In times of plenty and in times of want…YES! Rebekah he does that! Thank you.
I understand that barrenness, Mary. So often, the words break through this way for me too–once I let go of the fear and just sit down to do it, it's like a dam bursting. I'm glad you are feeling the flow. I loved reading about your Allume time at Diane's 🙂
Oh, Laura, it is funny…I sometimes think I am the only one, but it is obvious from these comments that other writers experience this too. Thank you for stopping by.