A daily epiphany…

by Mary Bonner | Jan 6, 2014 | Uncategorized | 13 comments

This guy joined our family last July. His name is Leroy and he weighs just under 6 pounds. He will be 8 months old in about a week. He was so tiny when we first got him he fit under the cabinet overhang in the kitchen.

Leroy loves to hang out with you. Which sort of translates to “he likes to be under foot!”

He loved it when everyone was home for the holidays. When he got up in the morning there were plenty of people to play with.

Thursday, January 2, I got him up and took him outside. As soon as we got in the house he ran up the stairs to my bedroom and began looking for John. He looked in our bathroom and up on our bed. I said, “he isn’t here. He’s gone.”

He ran across the hall to Andy’s room and scratched on the door. I said, “he isn’t here either.”

He ran down the hall to the spare room where Andy’s girlfriend sleeps when she is here. (She stayed with Leroy while we went to visit my parents between Christmas and New Years.) Before he even got to the door I said, “she isn’t here either. It is just us, buddy.”

He stopped and looked at me. He totally understood what I was saying. There was no one else in the house except us.

He ran in the house looking for someone. He knew other people were usually in the house. And he knew where to find them.

When he realized there was no one else, it was kind of an epiphany for him. A realization that we were alone.

I would not begin to compare the wise men that followed the star to Leroy…but they were looking for someone. And they knew where to find him. They were following the star. And it was an epiphany when they found the baby.

We celebrated Epiphany yesterday. We read about the Magi and Herod. We read about the star. We read about how Herod was afraid. Of a baby.

I’ve read that Epiphany is the feast of finding God.

The Magi were searching for the Christ child and when they found him, they were overjoyed.

Leroy was searching for someone, but he didn’t find them. He was stuck with me.

I find myself reflecting on what am I searching for? I have found God…I have that assurance that I belong to him and he is my Savior.

But I still search.

I search for direction.

I search for guidance.

I search for assurance that I am doing and saying the right things. Things he wants me to do and say.

I am searching for ways to find God in the everyday…so that I can experience a daily epiphany. A daily feast of finding God.

What are you searching for this year?

Linking with Laura and Denise

13 Comments

Linda@Creekside on January 6, 2014 at 2:21 pm

Beautiful. That's my word for this year. I don't know if I'm searching for it as much as wondering what it's going to look like …

Nice to meet you, Mary!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 6, 2014 at 4:23 pm
  
  Nice to meet you too, Linda!
  Reply
Diane Bailey on January 6, 2014 at 3:05 pm

I have no idea why this has me teary-eyed. I think we all look for assurance that we are doing it right, saying it right, or even have a clue what might be right! Happy Epiphany, Mary! Wish we were close enough for coffee once in awhile! Miss you terribly!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 6, 2014 at 4:24 pm
  
  Oh how I wish we were close enough for coffee too! Wouldn't it be great to get together w/Susan before the fall!?!?
  Reply
- Diane Bailey on January 7, 2014 at 1:33 pm
  
  Susan and I are talking about a summer meetup maybe in Tennessee. Would that be possible for you?
  Reply
Sylvia R on January 6, 2014 at 4:08 pm

We are on the same January page, it seems. It's my constant searching that's led me to choose for my 2014 "One Word" (I think)… "aware." I suspect that what I am searching for—answers, direction, certainty, help—is right here with me, because He is, and that I just need to become more… aware. Thanks for this interesting (and fun) illustration of epiphany.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 6, 2014 at 4:27 pm
  
  Sylvia, thank you for stopping by. Just returned from a visit to your place…we ARE on the same page.
  Reply
Lisa notes... on January 6, 2014 at 5:31 pm

I still search too. But sometimes I wonder: should I be more satisfied with what I've already found instead of always continuing to search for more…

Nonetheless, the things you mentioned ARE good things to continue to search for! I pray for more faith to believe he will always let those things be found.

Thanks for sharing Leroy with us. He's adorable. 🙂
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 6, 2014 at 6:57 pm
  
  I think there is a fine line between being satisfied with what we have and searching for the "right" more. Love your heart and your wisdom friend.
  Reply
Betty Draper on January 6, 2014 at 6:28 pm

Mary your post gave all who read it an epiphany. Beautiful written from a wise hearted woman. Thanks.
Reply
Angie on January 6, 2014 at 9:27 pm

"I've read that Epiphany is the feast of finding God." Oh, how I love this. I have never celebrated Epiphany with my children and I just realized that we are missing out. I am going to do a mini day late one tonight! Thanks for this inspiration! I hope you link up for more Inspire Me Mondays.
Reply
Thoughts for the day on January 7, 2014 at 5:43 am

This is REALLY good and what a cutie, never even thought of naming a 'pup' Leroy. funny one.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 7, 2014 at 12:40 pm
  
  Thank you!
  Reply

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She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor

Jun 3

Open

Every June I think I'm going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don't know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor

When I tell people that I am a VA (Virtual Assistant) often they want to know what I DO. And I tell them that I mostly deal with details. Managing the things (details) that creative people do not see themselves as “good at.” Budgets, remembering dates, creating schedules and timelines, gathering data and information, making sure they get paid, etc. A few years ago, I took on my first social media influencer client. And after working for 5 years with only faith-based clients, social media was a different world! I learned how to navigate that world and now my social media clients are among my favorites. In fact, I let go of most of my other clients to allow more time to work with the influencers. One of the faith-based clients I kept is @kriscamealy of @refineretreat

I have known Kris for 10 years and worked with her on Refine for, I don’t know…maybe 6. Kris recognizes the importance of rest and soul-care that enables us to create better and more meaningful content. Allows us to be more present for our families, clients, and our businesses.

Whether we are writing in our journal, painting on a canvas, creating paid content for a social media outlet, sitting at a pottery wheel, whatever the creative outlet we must tend to our souls. We must rest. We must learn to pause.

#Soulcare is not optional in this world in which we live. We must learn to stop so that we are able to go. We can run at a break-neck, full-tilt speed for a while but at some point, we will crash.

If you are looking for a way to slow down and take a weekend to care for yourself and your soul, check out @refineretreat. Maybe Refine isn’t for you. That is ok. But if you think this only applies to faith-based work, check out @lindsaynead ‘s post from April 19. Lindsay is an amazing businesswoman and she recognizes the power of slowing down. Of stopping. Of resting. She took a break and found herself better for it.

Soul care isn’t optional, it is essential.

Apr 29

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