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Jesus is here, he isn’t hiding. Can you find Jesus?
I have to find Jesus. Sometimes I feel like he is hiding. I know he isn't. But it seems like he is. One of my favorite apps is the You Version Bible App. I use it almost daily. I like that I can choose different devotional plans. The guided...
Advent: waiting a gift?
Advent - a time of waiting wait (verb): to look forward to eagerly “Advent: the time to listen for footsteps – you can’t hear footsteps when you’re running yourself.” Bill McKibben “I am hunkering down right now. I don’t know where I am. This...
Holidays are special and so is this fudge!
I just love this picture. I took it outside my house a couple of years ago. It reminds me of the holiday season. Another thing that reminds me of the holiday season is the special food. Last year I shared my fudge recipe with you, I thought I...
Fear, being afraid and when we feel we have no hope
Sometimes I am full of fear. The kind that makes my stomach rumble, my head hurt, my heart race. I am afraid that things will not work out...whatever those "things" may be. If I am not careful, the fear will take over. A few months ago I shared...
When the waiting is taking a long time
I first met her at a conference about 5 years ago. I had seen her face around the blogging world. I'd read her moving words. I wanted to get to know her but was too afraid to reach out. We had a chance meeting one evening in the lounge. A lounge...
When rest eludes us and how we can find our way back
I will never forget the first time I saw her in person. The first time I actually got to HEAR her voice. Soft-spoken and with a cadence and slight accent I couldn't place, yet I could listen to her talk all day. But before I met her in person,...
Is letter writing a lost art?
I love to write letters and send cards, but things have been so crazy the last several months that I have not done much of that. The craziness seems to be slowing down now. Finally. I have felt like things have been going nuts for a while. My...
An email surprise & a DaySpring Giveaway
It has been pretty crazy around here the last few weeks. I am going to share about some of the craziness in another post, for now I want to tell you about a surprising email I received a couple of weeks ago. And you have a chance to enter a...
When you are afraid and can’t pray
"You shall cross the barren desert, but you shall not die of thirst...Be not afraid. I go before you always. Come follow me, and I will give you rest." these words come from a song written by John Michael Talbot titled Be Not Afraid. These...
Grief – 5 things to do and 1 thing NOT to do when a child dies
Has it really been 24 years? My grief road has certainly been a long valley. A winding road that leads to new things even after 24 years. June 9, 1992, she entered this world after a very rough 9 1/2 months. A turbulent pregnancy turned into a...
When the anchor is missing…or it feels like it
"I think it is time to batten down the hatches…. Where is my anchor? Better yet, WHAT is my anchor?” I first penned these words in a post in 2009. It was December and very windy. While the weather is calmer and warmer as we approach the summer...
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In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.
The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner
The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.
I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!
And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!
Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!
May 9
She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.
Born 6-9-1992
Died 6-12-1992
Buried 6-16-1992
That would be 31 years ago today.
Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.
This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.
I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.
I took a walk.
Got a pedicure.
Cried.
And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.
And I give myself permission to do nothing else.
I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.
John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.
I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.
A loss is a loss.
Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.
#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief
Jun 16
In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.
My heart still hurts.
I cry at random times.
And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.
I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.
The relationships.
The life events.
Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.
Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.
If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.
#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief
Jun 9
Today is Palm Sunday.
I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.
As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.
I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.
Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.
I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.
I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.
The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.
If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.
Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.
"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102
Apr 2
@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!
Aug 6
Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.
She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.
There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.
I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.
Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8
If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13
And live to tell about.
Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992
#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor
Jun 3
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