Going at once…when I would rather ask why

by Mary Bonner | Jan 27, 2014 | Uncategorized | 18 comments

As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.”

At once they left their nets and followed him.

Matthew 4:18-20 (NIV)

emphasis mine

The Message translation puts it this way:

They didn’t ask questions, but simply dropped their nets and followed.

They did what they were asked.

At once and with no questions.

I wonder what would happen if I did what Jesus asked me to and without questions. What if I didn’t say, “but, why, Lord.” Or…”yes, Lord, but what if…”

There is little in life I do without asking a question. Even in a simple conversation I will ask, “and then what?” Sometimes before the person has a chance to tell me. Can’t I just be patient and wait for them to finish?

I know that Jesus is the way and the truth. I know he is the ONLY way. John 14:6

Since he is the way, I wonder what would happen in my life and to my life if I followed without question? If I carefully and prayerfully followed his leading and guiding, what would happen? What would be different?

I don’t know…but I find it intriguing.

In Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence

(affiliate link)

by Sarah Young,

yesterday’s reflection started with this line:
“Give up the illusion that you deserve a problem-free life.

Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties.

This is a false hope! As I told My disciples, in the world you will have trouble.”

He already told us we are going to have trouble. John 16:33

So, it is time for me to let go. It is time for me to stop asking questions. It time for me to put on my big girl pants and give up the illusion referenced above.

I don’t really believe I deserve a problem-free life, but I need to stop questioning. I need to go at once…to the will of the Father.

It is then and only then that I will have peace.

Lord, today I am letting go. It might not last all day,

but I am going to try.

I am going to stop questioning and

go at once to what you are asking of me.

I am going to go at once to the tasks

laid before me without complaining,

without questioning,

without wishing it were different.

What about you…do you struggle with questioning or do you go at once?

Linking with Michelle, Laura and Angie.

I hope you Monday is blessed and your week is great!

18 Comments

Lisa notes... on January 27, 2014 at 3:23 pm

"There is little in life I do without asking a question."

Oops. Me, too. I've been known to also interrupt with a question before someone finishes with the instruction. "Just let me finish first"–I get that sometimes. ha. Maybe that's what God is saying to me, too…. Thanks for this, Mary!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 29, 2014 at 10:28 pm
  
  How often are we on the same page, saying we do the same things? I would SO love to meet you in real life!! Thank you for being such an encouragement to me, Lisa!
  Reply
Angie on January 28, 2014 at 4:24 am

"I am going to go at once to the tasks
laid before me without complaining,"

Oh, just this. A wise challenge to my questioning soul.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 29, 2014 at 10:29 pm
  
  Thank you, Angie…it is a challenge to me too!
  Reply
Diane Bailey on January 28, 2014 at 2:38 pm

Truth! That is how we should be with the Lord. But…yes, "but" always seems to get in the way! Great point of view!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 29, 2014 at 10:30 pm
  
  You make my heart smile friend…
  Reply
Kathleen on January 29, 2014 at 3:02 am

I love your prayer at the end when you say, "it might not last all day." THAT is the story of my life. I start with such good intentions and then….
Great post, Mary. One of my favorites.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 29, 2014 at 10:30 pm
  
  Thanks, Kathleen…I think it is the story of many lives.
  Reply
Elizabeth Dianne on January 29, 2014 at 4:40 am

I loved your prayer, Mary. I've heard it said that anything besides 'instant obedience' is not obedience at all–something to ponder…..
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 29, 2014 at 10:31 pm
  
  Instant obedience…something to ponder for sure!
  Reply
Jennifer @ JenniferDukesLee.com on January 29, 2014 at 2:36 pm

You are so wise and lovely, my friend. We were studying the same verses Sunday, and your words here have enriched my learning.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 29, 2014 at 10:31 pm
  
  You have no idea how much you comment warms my heart, Jennifer. Thank you.
  Reply
Dolly@Soulstops on January 29, 2014 at 9:03 pm

Dear Mary,
I ask God questions all the time…but I think it is okay as long as I eventually go, although I'm sure it would be better if I just went….He is gracious…love your heart 🙂
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 29, 2014 at 10:32 pm
  
  I think it is probably OK too…I just think that it might be a smoother ride if I just went w/o questioning. Love your heart too!
  Reply
Susan in SC on January 29, 2014 at 9:14 pm

It sure it hard not to question. I work at that everyday! Lovely prayer.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 29, 2014 at 10:32 pm
  
  Bless you, Susan.
  Reply
Michelle DeRusha on January 30, 2014 at 2:31 am

That is so me, Mary: "Yes, Lord, but…" Such a wise lesson here. Love you, lovely!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 30, 2014 at 6:32 pm
  
  WOW…this is the second comment to use the word "wise" in connection with me. I am humbled and honored that you stopped by Michelle. thank you!!
  Reply

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In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

May 9

Open

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn't post it because I didn't like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I'm reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I'm grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I'm grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor