He knows…I wait

by Mary Bonner | Oct 6, 2010 | Uncategorized | 7 comments

“…For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

Thank goodness HE knows the plan, because I sure don’t!! Just about the time I think I have it figured out, the plan changes…but that is OK. HE knows what is going on…I just have to trust. Going further…

“Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Jeremiah 29:12-14

Although me just a bit of lee-way here…I do not mean to take this out of context, but I believe this promise is as real for me today as it was when it was promised to the prophet Jeremiah.

call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you

I am so thankful he listens and knows

“…For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

As I approach the big FIVE ZERO in the very near future I find myself having some issues…emotionally. Maybe those issues are really regrets…regrets for things I didn’t do, things I wish I did differently, but…slowly (VERY SLOWLY) I am trying to work through this. The Lord knows why my husband and I were not blessed with a house full of children…the Lord knows why we moved from our home of 25+ years across the country…the Lord knows why our only child moved 2600 miles away…and guess what? I don’t know why all these things happened. But they happened and I have to learn to deal with them…all of them.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my post from Monday. Thank you for your prayers, for your comments and your advice. All good stuff and I am trying to absorb it all.

I had asked my accounting instructor to e-mail me my grade so I could deal with it emotionally before class tonight. He did. It was bad, but not as bad as I thought. I got a 71…a C-, but hey, I thought I had an D- or worse! I have gone back and re-worked most of the homework problems from the previous chapters to try and solidify those concepts in my mind. Someone asked me a few weeks ago WHY I was going back to school. When I sit for a few hours everyday reading and working problems, I ask myself the same question. I need to get through this semester and see what happens.

This turning 50 in two weeks is really throwing me for a loop. I find myself looking back and wishing I had done so many things differently…is that normal or am I just weird?

Hyatt Lane, Cades Cove Loop, Smoky Mountain National Park

I took this picture on my walk a few weeks ago. This is how I see my life right now…a long road and I cannot see the end. (Notice this road is straight and flat – if only the road of life was as smooth!) The fact is…the end could be very near or a very long way off. I need to live each day to the fullest, doing my best to live my life in a manner that will bring honor and glory to Him that made me and offers me eternal life at the end of the road…HE knows the plan, I just have to wait…

Lord, thank you for the growing and the learning that is going on in my life. Help me to see your hand in ALL of it…please help me to be patient and wait upon You. Wait for You to reveal YOUR plan and purpose. Lord, thank you for my many, many blessings. Please bless my family and friends, especially bless my blogging friends today Lord as they go about their day, witnessing for you over the internet.

I hope you have a great day. Thank you again for your prayers.

7 Comments

Annesta on October 6, 2010 at 12:44 pm

Sweet Mary,
What a beautiful and transparent post! First of all let me say what a blessing you are in my life. I look forward to what you write…to the wisdom that God give you…to your baring your soul, you hurts, your joys, your apprehension, your questions…what a precious sister in Christ you are!
All that you are feeling pre- big birthday is normal, I think. I felt all those things. I have no advice for you really, just keep doing what you are doing. Seek Him. Let Him fill you with His glory and know that His mercies are new every day and that He is faithful beyond words.
And TJ is short for Trader Joe's. It's a store you can find in California and some other states but not in Texas. 🙁
Praying for you today!
~a
Reply
Karen on October 6, 2010 at 2:03 pm

Mary B, you have expressed thoughts of more individuals than we will ever know. I too posted something previously about just "living life" – time is ticking on am I doing what I'm suppose to be doing. Girl, you are in my thoughts and you sift through all these thoughts with HIM.
Karen
Reply
Dianne on October 6, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Hey Mary,
Wow! Great post today and I don't think you are weird–I think you are very normal especially in your reactions to turning 50. It does seem to be such a major milestone in our lives.

However, looking back from 66 and remembering vividly turning 50 and all those emotional feelings, my life has been fuller and richer and happier than it ever was before turning 50. Yes, I have been through some deep, dark valleys also. But the reasons for the pain then resulted in so much happiness now.

You don't realize it now but 50 is so young and you still have the strength and stamina to do so many great things for God.

Your scriptures from Jeremiah are some of my favorites. God bless you dear friend.

All my love,
Dianne
Reply
Wendy on October 6, 2010 at 6:06 pm

Oh Mary, I love your heart. Thanks for sharing. I think we all feel regrets, and wish we would have done somethings different. So many times when I am feeling that way, God has been able to use me right where I am, and often times BECAUSE OF some of the things I consider "negatives." I love that you want to please God in all your days, and live a life worthy of the gospel.
Reply
Jenn on October 6, 2010 at 7:56 pm

What a beautiful heartfelt post…I think you voiced something we all go through from time to time.
Reply
Stephani on October 7, 2010 at 11:17 pm

I think what you are feeling is normal. I find myself struggling with some of the same things and I just turned 44. I think it is because I am assisting parents who are in their 80's with very diminihsed quality of life. It makes my life seem so short. I feel desperate to do all I can to ensure quality of later. Yet, I don't want to miss the present in the process! ~ Sigh ~ Thanks for your honesty. It makes the rest of us know we are not alone.
Reply
Mary333 on October 8, 2010 at 1:59 am

Your not weird, Mary. I don't think that there are too many people on this planet that haven't wished they had done some things differently. I know I have.

This passage from Jeremiah is one of my favorites and one I reflect on a lot. Sometimes it's difficult to trust that God has plans for us that are better than our own. My own plans seem to make more sense to me…but, then again, my viewpoint is very limited 🙂
Reply

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In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

May 9

Open

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn't post it because I didn't like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I'm reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I'm grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I'm grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor