Not long ago
I wrote a post on praying. And how sometimes we want to quit. We pray for days, weeks, months and years without an answer.
Or at least that is what it seems like.
There are times when I pray, seeking an answer to a problem and nothing happens. It is like the Lord isn’t hearing me.
Sometimes I think others don’t hear me either. I think that my words don’t matter.
No one would want to read them and I am only one small voice in a sea of millions.
Why do I bother with this space?
Recently, while attending the Allume conference, these thoughts came on like a tidal wave. Rushing over me with a vengeance I have not felt in a long time.
And I succumbed to these vicious thoughts. The conference opened with dinner and worship on Thursday evening and by Friday morning I was miserable.
It is easy to get lost in a sea of 453 bloggers.
It is easy to get lost in a sea of stars that shine brighter than me.
It is easy to get lost in a sea of people that matter and I end up thinking that I don’t. That my words don’t count. That what I say is useless.
It is easy to have a relationship with people online. On Twitter or Facebook. Pinterest or Instagram…but in real life? Well, that is a whole different matter. Someone that responds to your tweets, e-mails and direct messages…well, you just might not matter to them in real life.
There were people there that I would consider MY people. People that would hold my arms up just like Aaron and Hur held up Moses’ arms. Yet, I still felt lost.
And lonely.
And unimportant.
I wrote about the experience here.
Deep down I know that I am unimportant and the one that really matters is the Lord. But I also know that I am important to him. That I matter. That I am somebody.
I realize that when I get overwhelmed, when I get too busy, when I get lost in MY stuff and MY day and MY schedule, that I lose sight of HIM. And in a few days I will feel less than.
I am finding my way through my schedule to get back to my routine of quiet time with Him. In the morning, when it works best for me.
My online friend, Barbie, (yeah, I can’t believe I just wrote that!) has a new devotional book called Coffee with Jesus. It was just released two days ago. I heard about it today and bought it this morning. And day one blessed me so much. I could feel the presence of the Lord as I quietly read and reflected on the words. Currently, it is only available in the Kindle version, but the hard copy should be available in a few days. I plan to purchase one to giveaway in this space.
I have always liked Barbie’s writing and this book is an extension of her. And just wonderful.
Here are is an affiliate link you can check out the book for yourself. Or…sign up to receive my posts via e-mail and know what I make the giveaway available!
Linking with Jennifer today
You share good truth here, Mary. It's easy for me too to feel like I don't matter–and I could list many reasons why. But you're right that we DO matter. God wouldn't have created us otherwise. We each have a purpose to bring glory to him in a way that no one else can. Individually and specifically unique. Because of who HE is. Yes!
Thanks, friend. Online for now; depending on opportunity, who knows for later? 🙂
I would so love to be your real life friend, Lisa…not just an online. Thank you for your sweet encouragement.
This is the struggle with writing and with online life, isn't it? So many voices and we think adding one more will just make chaos, or not even matter. But just like Barbie's words spoke to you in the moment you needed them, your words and my words can do the same for others. So your remind me and I remind you…maybe that's the point?
I think you might be right, Tresta.
You matter to me! So very much. I'm still carrying around with me the encouraging words you spoke to me at Allume–about praying and not giving up.
And that book sounds delightful. You know coffee is one of my love languages, right? 🙂
Oh, Nancy, I wish we'd of had more time together at Allume. Know that I think of you and pray for you and yours 😉 often.
Thank you my friend. My deepest prayer is that God would use my book to bless and encourage the hearts of women who struggle to believe all that they are in Him. I am so thankful the book is blessing you. YOU are precious to Him, and to me. He sees you! Love you!
Barbie, the book is awesome and I can't wait to dig deeper.
Dear Mary
Being a South African I was not at the conference, but what amazes me is when I read afterwards how many of you felt unimportant and insecure. This seems like a nice topic to discuss at a next Allume for this is the last place one should feel this way. I am glad that you refused to dwell on this lie from the enemy and that you saw the beauty Pappa sees when He looks at you!
Blessings XX
Mia
Oh, Mia, I may have given you the wrong impression. Allume is a wonderful thing. It isn't the conference that gives this impression, it is strictly the devil getting in my head. Wouldn't it be wonderful it you could attend sometime!?!
You DO matter, you do. What you bring to a screen, a room, a bathroom stall for heavens sake, it matters because there is no on else like Mary Bonner. No one. I love you just the way you are. But you do know you are in good company feeling this way don't you? There isn't a person on the planet who hasn't wondered if they matter, even when people tell them they do. Thanks for being honest, that matters a great deal in world where genuineness is scarce. I went over and read your Allume post too, remembered our conversation laying in the hotel room that night. Great memory for me, not that you were struggling but the sisterhood I experienced was rich.
Yes, Shelly, I know I am not alone…thank you for reminding me. And that conversation in the hotel room, yes! So many sisters encouraging, listening and sharing. One of the best parts of the conference. Great memories for me too.
Mary, you matter so much to me! I often feel the same way you do. It can be such a sad and lonely place. We are all here to hold each other up in the times we need it. You have done it for me more times than you know! Love you my friend.
Well, Kathleen, as Shelly said…I am not alone in feeling this way! You matter a great deal to me too! Love you friend.