I think…

by Mary Bonner | Jun 21, 2012 | Uncategorized | 24 comments

I may have it figured out. Well, at least part of it.

In one of the writing workshops at the Relevant Conference (now Allume) last fall,
Lisa-Jo said to use your own words, speak with your own voice because “We don’t need another Ann Voskamp.”

Lisa-Jo, Emily P Freeman, Sara Sofia, Sarah Markley

Lisa-Jo’s words resonated with me.

For weeks.

Ok, I get that we don’t need another Ann. I couldn’t write like her if I tried, so that was an easy dream to release. Just open my hands and let it fly away.

Good! That feels better.

I went along fine for a while. My writing was going OK…or so I thought. Then I entered that dry, parched desert land without words.

It has been painful. And I have been thirsty. Desperately seeking words that were worthy of your time. Words that were worthy of my time to write them…or tap them out.

But nothing was happening. No words were coming. Maybe the sun was setting on my writing.

Then I read Nikki’s post and realize we all DO fall short. Over and over. She says something about getting back to basics. I realize that is what I need to do. Get back to the basics of writing. I know that writing wasn’t what she was thinking about when she wrote the post, but it struck a chord with me.

A VERY. LOUD. CHORD. And it might have been in a minor key!

I need to write. Just write. Then let it be. I don’t have to reinvent the prose or the blog post. I just have to write one.

If I needed further reassurance, Miss Emily came to the rescue. Emily P Freeman, that is!

In this post she writes…

“Your goal is not to make something new, your goal is to reimagine what already is.”

I think I have been working too hard on trying to write something new.

Something different.

Something no one else had written. Why?

Probably because I want to be noticed. I want people to read what I write and want to come back for more. Yet, the fact of the matter is that most of what I would write about has already been written about by someone else. Therefore, I must “reimagine” it, just like Emily said.

So friends, maybe I am finally able to put the pieces together…at least some of them. If I get back to the basics, stop trying to write something new, maybe things will improve. Maybe posts will begin to flow as I start using my own imagination, frame things like I see them.

Like ONLY I see them. Even if millions of other people see the same thing.

I am guessing that many people took sunset pictures all over the world this week…but I took this one. I saw it with my eyes and it was beautiful. I framed the picture with my camera, then squeezed the shutter.

I used my eyes to see. I used my words to tell the story.

Lord, I pray that you will allow the words to return. Words that you want me to write. Words that are good and honorable and healing. Words that proclaim your truth.

Linking today with Write it, Girl

24 Comments

Hope Unbroken on June 21, 2012 at 11:44 am

i SO get this. i think it's a growing stage, and perhaps we all have to go through it at some point or another.
keep moving on. . . toward His purposes for you and writing what HE has in mind for you to write.
LOVE your pics. absolutely beautiful.
steph
Reply
- Mary Bonner on June 22, 2012 at 3:02 pm
  
  Thanks for the encouragement, Steph.
  Reply
Dorie on June 21, 2012 at 11:46 am

Such encouragement and truth in your words…sometimes it does seem like everything has been said before and why bother. One thing I remember is when Helen Keller started writing she wrote a story that someone else claimed she had taken. She then decided to write from her experiences, because they were unique. Though I am not her, I do have my own unique life that I can write about. My own perspective as you said that no one else has. Such beauty and truth in that! And, I love that pic of the sunset – vibrant colors.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on June 22, 2012 at 3:03 pm
  
  You are right, Dorie. We each have our own life and therefore our perspectives are unique.
  
  Thanks for stopping by.
  Reply
Marissa D on June 21, 2012 at 11:48 am

I know what you mean – the desire to write something new and earth-shattering (well maybe just small earthquake shattering) and yet nothing comes. There really isn't anything new under the sun, but the way we see it is always new, and therefore our thoughts can be unique as we write – thanks for sharing!

Marissa @ forfunreadinglist.blogspot.com
Reply
- Mary Bonner on June 22, 2012 at 3:03 pm
  
  You are so right Marissa!
  Reply
Nava on June 21, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Mary–the sunset photo is beautiful. I just read the other day–"Be who you are, all the others are taken"–. I was not going to do a blog until I realized I could write just like I journal. Then I felt freedom.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on June 22, 2012 at 3:05 pm
  
  Thanks, Nava. My photos are nothing compared to yours, but I appreciate your comment. Love the line, "Be who you are, all the others are taken"
  so very true!
  
  Thanks for the encouragement.
  Reply
Kathleen on June 21, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I'm glad you're starting to see that your writing is special. What ever you write is worthy of my time because you write to glorify the Lord.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on June 22, 2012 at 3:06 pm
  
  Thank you so much Kathleen. I love you!
  Reply
Dianne on June 21, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Loved this!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on June 22, 2012 at 3:06 pm
  
  Thanks, Dianne!!
  Reply
Jacque @ Mercy Found Me on June 21, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Oh Mary…THIS! Real, and raw, and heartfelt, and so resonating. I too remember Lisa Jo's words and I have struggled just like you. And when I read Emily's words yesterday, freedom. Just freedom. And it's amazing how universal this struggle is to write and feel like we matter, because our passion to speak into the lives of others is so compelling. Thank you for writing out these brave and bold words. And as we each share our unique vantage point from the experiences and gifts God gives, may He be glorified in our writing. Blessings to you!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on June 22, 2012 at 3:08 pm
  
  Jacque, thank you so much. This comment brought tears to my eyes. I don't think anyone has ever said my post was raw – which I take as a compliment. It is really a stretch for me to write this. Thank you for your encouragement. Will you be at Allume this fall?
  Reply
Amy on June 21, 2012 at 8:07 pm

good image and reminder to refocus on the basics and be free to write and be who we are as individuals. Thanks for the encouragement and may God guide your writing!

Amy @ Missional Mama
Reply
- Mary Bonner on June 22, 2012 at 3:08 pm
  
  Thank you so much Amy!
  Reply
mary333 on June 21, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Mary,
You have a very unique writing style you know. There are those of us who prefer the clarity in which you write than the style of some of the more flowery writers (though there's room for them too). For me, if writing is too "flowery" it obscures the point the writer is trying to make. I get too "caught up" in the phrasing and lose the big picture. Your manner of writing is both beautiful and straightforward which is something I've always appreciated. You have a knack for drawing attention to the point you are trying to make and the message doesn't get lost in wordiness.

Just a thought 🙂
Reply
- Mary Bonner on June 22, 2012 at 3:09 pm
  
  Oh Mary…I am humbled by your words. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I don't know what to say. What an encouragement you are to me!
  Reply
Susan in SC on June 21, 2012 at 10:36 pm

I am always encouraged when I read your posts! God made us all different so we could tell the same stories from different points of view! Keep writing!!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on June 22, 2012 at 3:11 pm
  
  Oh, Susan…this means so much to me. Thank you.
  Reply
Nikki on June 22, 2012 at 2:18 am

I have no words. I'm just so proud of you for seeking…listening…abiding. To God be the glory. Can't wait to see what God has in store for you, friend!
Reply
Thoughts for the day on June 22, 2012 at 4:46 am

I loved your sunset picture.
I also love your honest writing and my 'something to think about' code on your readers list…(thank you) You are doing awesome.
We all have times where words are not easy.
JUST write. write from your heart.
No one can be another Ann…she is unique and gifted and ever so wonderful.
We need to use our own gifts… and be happy for them.
Thanking God for small things…always.
Reply
GLENDA CHILDERS on June 25, 2012 at 12:44 am

I like you, Mary, your voice and your friendship.
Reply
Laura Rath on June 27, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Hi Mary,
I know that feeling when the words won't come…that dreaded feeling! And I often wonder if it's because I'm trying to hard. Sometimes I just have to relax, take a break if necessary, and wait for God to speak to me. Those 3 things are hard for me to do, but I'm working on it. 🙂
Blessings,
Laura
Reply

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In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

May 9

Open

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn't post it because I didn't like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I'm reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I'm grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I'm grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor