the quiet, early moments of the day that it hits me. Time will end. I will not be here. What will I have left behind? Why now? Why am I thinking of this today? I don’t know…last night I went out with some girlfriends for a birthday celebration. Just a few of us, but I was the oldest…I am almost 50. The birthday girl was turning 40. They all have children 13 or younger – note: children = multiple kids; me? I have one, ONLY ONE and he is a young adult. Making his own choices. Why am I so melancholy this morning? I don’t know, but I DO know this…I have but one life and I cannot live it with regret. I did the best I knew how, when it came to raising my son. My husband and I tried to raise him to be a good Christian, moral person, raised in church…and hoped that he would see Christ reflected in our daily life and in our home. But I have realized that there is NO GUARANTEE. No rule that says…”raise children in XYZ way and you get XYZ result.” Nope, no guarantees…BUT…I did get a smile when he took his first step, I cried when I dropped him at kindergarten (he didn’t), my heart hurt when he had to learn that everyone wasn’t kind…some kids were just mean, but that too is part of life. I was thrilled when he got into the high school he soooo wanted to attend and even more excited when he got into the college of his choice…but saddened when he decided it wasn’t for him and chose another path. But…these are his choices and his life. It is NOT my life…not anymore…MY life lies before ME, waiting for ME to make choices that are right for me. You know, I think one of the hardest parts of parenting…growing up myself, letting go…letting kids make their own way, find their own path and as a Mom…find a new way for me.
So…I am thankful for my “younger” friends…those that share their lives and their children with me. Girls that give hugs, girls that tell me knock-knock jokes, boys with puppy-dog eyes that quietly, subtly let me know they like me, boys that I am watching grow into young men, that no longer look like the “child” I met a few years ago…
Life is good…different, but good. My child is growing up, making his own choices…not necessarily bad choices, just different choices than I imagined – but, that doesn’t make them bad! Who ever said I had ALL the answers?
So…thank you Lord, for this lesson in growing older. This lesson in change…Thank you for the friends that you have given me in this place I now live, in this place I am trying to call home. Thank you for my son, for the joy he brings to me as I watch him grow older and make his own way. I can see that you are working in his life and I thank you for that. Thank you for this beautiful day and the opportunity to have another chance to live for You, to share Your message with someone today…please help me Lord, to be Jesus to those I meet today…
Oooo…just a bit melancholy today…but, it is a stage of life I guess…what about you? What stage are you in? What changes are you making?
Love reading your thoughts, Mary. I hope above all else your son is walking w/the Lord, if he's not, don't lose hope.
Life is short. I know that before I know it I will be reflecting on my life with my kids grown up.
We all have those days no matter what stage we are in. I have had a rough time with dropping my kids off at VBS all week this week – that 5 minute walk home is the longest 5 minutes… 🙁
Thanks, Wendy…I love reading your blog too. You are right…your kids WILL be grown up before you know it!
Stacey…sometimes the shortest walks are the hardest.
Thanks to both of you for taking the time to read and comment.
Your posts are always very insightful, Mary. My daughter is still young but I can already see that I need to let go a bit and foster her independence to a degree. I tend to be overprotective and sometimes forget that she is God's child first and that He entrusted her into my care to love her and guide her not to smother her 🙂
Oh, sweet friend, I can so relate to this post. It's a hard lesson to learn but one God has been teaching me, I'm just slow to learn sometimes. We did our best as well to raise our daughters in God's word and be that daily example that you mention. The choices our children make are not our choices. It's not a reflection on us or our parenting. It's hard to realize that God sees the big picture and He is working through all the circumstances.
I know what melancholy is…I know what it is to ache for the choices our kids make…I know what it is to rest and trust in God.
Thank you for your honesty and sharing your heart today.
blessings
~a
Mary & Annesta…thank you for reading and sharing. I do appreciate your comments. Mary, I have been at your stage and know those feelings…Annesta, I am glad to know someone else has travelled this road before me. 🙂
Good morning, Mary B. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and reading about Billy and your comment. I really appreciate it.
And speaking of melancholy–it seems at my age that I am in a "perpetual state of melancholy" but somehow I like it–It makes me enjoy my days more, really concentrate on the important things in life —
We raised three sons so I do know whereof you speak–I pray each day that God will draw all of my children and grandchildren closer to Him. After we have prayed that in faith, then we must let go and trust that all the decisions and circumstances that come into their lives will serve that exact purpose.
Praying for you and yours today,
Love,
Dianne
I'm always melancholy- and I smile at the Choose Joy badge on my blg because it's there to challenge me! I'm reading The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother lawrence, and am amazed at the love and joy and freedom therein! And it's also very easy to read!
Well, as you know my three are teens and well, on their way. It is hard, but it's also its own reward. I loved reading your thoughts about this because it is a subject close to my heart these days. I am often the oldest gel in my group of friends, but I don't mind. They embrace me, and, I, them. We need each other and I'm glad to be of help. HUGS to you.