It was just a plate…

by Mary Bonner | May 2, 2012 | Uncategorized | 21 comments

of cookies. I rang the bell and I stood there.

Waiting.

Waiting for someone to open the door. Waiting for someone to open the door and let me say, “Hi! My name is Mary. I live across the street. Welcome to the neighborhood.”

My old neighbor had told me that the new owner was a single mom with two little boys. I had moved to the neighborhood 3 years earlier; I didn’t find the area overly friendly.

I didn’t find the area friendly.

Period.

Being raised in the South and living for 30 years in the Midwest…I KNEW how to welcome someone to the neighborhood and it wasn’t by ignoring the new neighbor! No sir-ree!

You did it with a cake or cookies.

You did it with a smile, a wave and a conversation. It always worked before. I was sure it would work this time.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the door cracked.

There she stood.

My new neighbor. The mother of two cute little boys. The widow of a policeman.

I told her my name. She didn’t tell me hers.

I offered the cookies. She accepted.

The words gushed out of my mouth. She hardly said a word.

You can say it was because I didn’t give her a chance *smile* but it was more than that. Much more. MUCH more.

I was open. She was guarded.

She finally told me her name. She said thank you and sent me on my way.

As the weeks went on, I would see my neighbor, her sister and her boys going in and out of the house. The boys, now 3 and 4, are every bit as outgoing as their mother is reserved and quiet. If I walk to my mailbox and they are outside, they yell things like, “I’m fine! Thank you. How are you?”

They invite me to come and check out their new swing set. Unfortunately, the day they extended the invitation I was running late for an appointment.

What circumstances made this woman so quiet? What happened to make her not want to talk? What? Happened?

These days the words have been absent. These days my heart seems broken. My mind just WILL. NOT. FUNCTION. for blogging. What happened?

I realize that part of the problem is that I am guarded. I am only cracking the door, not throwing it wide open and welcoming whatever is going to come my way.

No, I am keeping my fists clenched. My eyes closed. And walls erected around my heart….much like my neighbor when she first moved across the street.

I am trying to open my hands.

I am trying to throw open the door and welcome what He is sending.

After all, how much can one receive with clenched fists and closed doors? I am trying to be open to receiving…receiving ALL He has to offer.

Even when I don’t understand.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find;

knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives;

the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

Matthew 7:7-8

I’m asking. I’m seeking. I’m knocking. And I am waiting…

And you? Are you throwing open the door or just cracking it?

cookie photo credit

door photo credit

21 Comments

Nancy Franson on May 2, 2012 at 9:45 pm

I have tried passing out plates of cookies and loaves of zucchini bread to new neighbors but keep receiving the same responses as you. Sign of the times maybe?

Glad you're cracking open the door.

BTW–looks like the feed to my place in your blogroll isn't updating to my new site (which isn't the reason I stopped over here, I just noticed it on your sidebar) Anyway, I don't know how to fix it so that my old place connects to my new place, but I do have a couple of new posts up if you'd like to come by for a visit. 🙂
Reply
- Mary Bonner on May 3, 2012 at 12:23 am
  
  Maybe it is a sign of the times.
  
  I owe you an e-mail…I'll get to that soon. Nothing serious, just annoying.
  
  Thank you for pointing out that your blog wasn't updating on my blog roll. I am trying to subscribe to more blogs via e-mail – which I just did to your blog. NOW…why isn't your picture showing up on your comment?!?
  
  Thank you for stopping by…I really do appreciate it!
  Reply
Natasha on May 2, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Oh, Mary, this is such a beautiful illustration. Thank you for opening your heart and freeing others to open theirs as well.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on May 3, 2012 at 12:23 am
  
  Thank you Natasha.
  Reply
~Jess on May 3, 2012 at 1:42 am

I believe it is a sign of the times….for so many years we've been told and taught to be guarded, to take care of number 1 that we've forgotten that we need more than ourselves. How wonderful that you're still trying!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on May 3, 2012 at 11:39 pm
  
  Thank you, Jess. We DO need more than ourselves.
  Reply
Thoughts for the day on May 3, 2012 at 4:22 am

Sometimes a quiet time is good, but don't give up God will use your wisdom, your words, your ability and willing heart, just sometimes the answer from him is to wait. So don't give up… just listen and be patient.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on May 3, 2012 at 11:39 pm
  
  Thank you for the encouragement.
  Reply
Nikki on May 3, 2012 at 7:46 pm

First. coming from someone from the Midwest: Thank you. For being neighborly. Coming from your family in Christ: thank you. for being His hands and feet that day. For showing His love.

Second. so proud of you, friend. for seeking, reflecting, pondering, and then sharing this journey you are on. Do you know Dolly @ Soul Stops? I feel she's on a similar path…

third. You've given me that gut wrenching feeling of conviction. For I have been avoiding some new neighbors because I know (the bad part of) their story and don't want to expose my impressionable son on their troubled children… ouch. guess we're making cookies today.

Thank you, friend.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on May 3, 2012 at 11:41 pm
  
  Oh, Nikki I know about wanting to shelter you own! Pray, trust the Lord and follow his lead. thank you for the encouragement and kind words friend.
  Reply
Annesta on May 3, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Lovely post, Mary. And the pictures! Those cookies made my mouth water. Its so sweeet for you to reach out to someone new on your street. I often wonder why I don't slow down to be more "neighhborly like".
You have inspired me!
blessings
~a
Reply
- Mary Bonner on May 3, 2012 at 11:41 pm
  
  You are so sweet Annesta!
  Reply
Deanna on May 3, 2012 at 9:32 pm

What a beautiful illustration. Thank you for being the hands and feet of Christ by welcoming your new neighbor and thank you for being so real with your journey. We certainly can't receive with clenched fists and you have reminded me that sometimes I need to open and receive.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on May 30, 2012 at 6:27 pm
  
  Thank you, Deanna
  Reply
Meredith on May 4, 2012 at 1:45 am

*hugs*
I think you are wonderful and brave and this is just . . . AWESOME.
*nodding*

Yup.
*hugs*
Reply
- Mary Bonner on May 30, 2012 at 6:27 pm
  
  Thanks, Meredith
  Reply
Tara Pohlkotte on May 30, 2012 at 1:00 pm

good for you for going over there and being welcoming! do you know that i myself am not a "stop over" person? i think it is because my life is in a season that seems to be always messy, always between this and that, and the fact that i am extremely awkward at small talk 🙂 Perhaps she's more like me, yet i love watching your heart just open up and speak in love in such a way. keep a friendly relationship with her boys, maybe that will warm her mama heart up… I know you warm up mine 🙂
Reply
- Mary Bonner on May 30, 2012 at 6:26 pm
  
  Thank you, Tara! You warm my heart too!
  Reply
AKA Jane Random on May 30, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Inspiring! It makes such a difference when people are welcoming not jut in gesture but in spirit.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on May 30, 2012 at 6:27 pm
  
  Thanks, Jane.
  Reply
Camille Griffiths on June 5, 2012 at 10:06 am

My door is always open. You can bring me cookies any time! ;D
Reply

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In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

May 9

Open

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn't post it because I didn't like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I'm reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I'm grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I'm grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor