A loud voice…

by Mary Bonner | Mar 23, 2012 | Uncategorized | 14 comments

On Fridays, I join The Gypsy Mama for 5 minute Fridays, that is when I am not too chicken to participate. 🙂

The rules:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Meet & encourage someone who linked up before you.

Today’s word is: LOUD

I SOOOO look forward to Friday mornings! I am off work and I get to participate in 5 minute Friday. Upon seeing today’s word prompt, my first thought was…”Oh, yeah! This one will be easy.”

Well, it’s not!

The noise that fills my head can get so loud that it deafens me.

The voice that says, “you’re not good enough.” Yells loud and long.

The voice that says, “you’re too fat.” Yells even louder.

That voice that tells me, “no one REALLY likes you.” That voice visits too.

Ok, so I am not good enough. He doesn’t ask me to be good enough. Just to love Him.

Ok, so I am not skinny. I don’t have to be. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He said so. He made me.

Ok, so no one REALLY likes me. That’s OK. Because He loves me. He sent his son to die for me.

And you know what…I don’t have to listen to that LOUD, OVERBEARING VOICE in my head!

I am already amazing…I read Holley’s book. She has some great truths in it and I believe them.

So loud voice…you can now be QUIET! I am NOT LISTENING to you ANYMORE!

STOP

Check out other “LOUD” posts here.

Have a good weekend…
Which voice are you listening to?

14 Comments

Kathleen on March 23, 2012 at 12:07 pm

I love AND like you, my dear friend.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 23, 2012 at 12:12 pm
  
  Thanks, Kathleen! I love you too!
  Reply
Meredith on March 23, 2012 at 1:50 pm

*hugs*

Oh honey- you need to read this post — the first two sentences rocked my world.
http://www.garymo.com/2012/03/21/a-biblical-cure-for-creative-insecurity/

You are such an incredible blessing to me (and to many!), and I am so proud of you for declaring to the world that the voices are NOT IN CHARGE!! 🙂
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 23, 2012 at 3:58 pm
  
  I checked out Gary's post…well worth my time. Thanks for the link.
  
  Thank you too for saying I am a blessing…I feel blessed that people even read my blog.
  
  Have a great weekend.
  Reply
Nikki on March 23, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Oh, Mary. I love your heart.
And I've got some doosy loud voices in my head, too!
I'll be striving with you, today, to listen to the whispers instead.
The ones that say I am worth it. loved. altogether lovely.
His voice is sweet. and can be heard loud and clear to those that take the time to listen! (yes, I'm giving myself a pep talk in your comment section)
Hugs to you! (can't wait to read the book!)
Enjoy your weekend!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 23, 2012 at 3:59 pm
  
  Pep talks in the comment section are just fine…talk away or pep away! 🙂
  
  I love your comment about whispers…I am going to listen for those.
  
  Have a great weekend. The book went out this morning.
  Reply
Nancy on March 23, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Great post Mary, and I choose to listen to God's voice….I too have some of the voices in my head and the only way to quiet them is to change who I am listening to…..You are a great blogging friend, Mary…I love visiting with you…
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 23, 2012 at 11:26 pm
  
  Oh, Nancy…you are so sweet! And so faithful to stop by regularly. You know what? That retreat house you run looks pretty sweet!!
  Reply
Tara on March 23, 2012 at 8:50 pm

yes! you really are amazing!! and you know what? those voices show up in my head too… so glad to see you take a stand as I try to as well against these loud thoughts that are not our truths.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 23, 2012 at 11:26 pm
  
  Wouldn't it be great to not have to deal with these loud thoughts!
  Reply
Laura on March 23, 2012 at 9:01 pm

I love your honestly. So often we listen to other voices and don't even realize it. And I doubt that no one likes you…just look at the comment love. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I love comments!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 23, 2012 at 11:27 pm
  
  Hi Laura…thanks for stopping by. You know the real kicker?!? I KNOW that the voices are not telling the truth, it is just that sometimes, I lose sight of the REAL truth!
  Reply
Natalie on March 25, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Hi Mary! I'm sorry it's been so long since I stopped by to comment. I still read your posts as often as I can! Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus here in the comments- I LIKE YOU, sister 🙂 Have you ever heard the Casting Crowns song "Voice of Truth"? It's beauitful- you should listen if you don't know it. Here is the YouTube link: http://youtu.be/KwsvqVmFV6Y
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 26, 2012 at 1:39 am
  
  Oh, Natalie…hello! I do know that song and I love it!! I now you are incredibly busy. I think of you often, pray for you and your test subjects 🙂 and check in on your blog when I see an update. Take care friend!
  Reply

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In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

May 9

Open

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn't post it because I didn't like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I'm reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I'm grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I'm grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor