A song for change…

by Mary Bonner | Jul 2, 2012 | Uncategorized | 13 comments

To be your bread now, be your wine now,
Lord, come and change us to be a sign of your love.

We sang this song at church yesterday. When we got to this line, I shed a tear. Actually, I shed a few tears. This line in this song was tearing at my heart.

Lord, come and change us to be a sign of your love.

Is that REALLY what I want? Yes, I believe it is, but change is HARD.

It requires getting out of my comfort zone.

It requires me to do things that I don’t necessarily want or like to do.

And it requires me to let go.

Let go of some things that hold me back. Things that bog me down.

There is a lot of talk in the “blog-o-sphere” about being real. Not just putting the good, pretty stuff out there for people to read. But real, sometimes ugly and not-so-good. And it would be an accurate statement to say that my weekend contained some ugly and not-so-good.

You see, Sunday morning wasn’t my best morning. For that matter, Saturday wasn’t so great either. Not for any reason that I can put my finger on, but I was being difficult and hard to get along with. That must SURELY shock you. *smile* I don’t know why my days were so difficult. I don’t know why I was so hard to get along with, but I knew – the instant I heard these words – that I did want to change. I did not want to spend the rest of my weekend being ornery and difficult.

I thought about the words. I thought about the changes I needed to make. I thought about how hard it can be to change. But I knew it was necessary. Changes had to be made.

It wasn’t easy. But I was able to talk a few things out and John helped me see some things in a different light.

And slowly…things began to improve.

WHY am I SO stubborn????

Lord, you use interesting things to reach me. The words in a song. Beautiful scenes in nature. All of you creation…thank you for using these things to speak to me. Thank you for your patience, for hearing my cry.

I continue counting my gifts…

637. a husband that listens.
639. good friends.
640. good music.
641. a fun Friday.
642. a family of all girls that invited me on a shopping trip.
643. great outlet mall finds.
644. lessons learned.
645. safety.
646. opportunities for grace.
647. gifts of love.
648. Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. (not an affiliated link)
649. second chances.
650. air condintioning.
651. power.
652. readers of this blog.

Joining with Michelle at Graceful for Hear It on Sunday, Use It on Monday

And Ann at A Holy Experience for Multitude Mondays.

Friends, I am trying to get back to writing. To sharing my thoughts. To some manner of filling this space that will fit into my life and schedule. I am trying to listen to what He is saying about this space and what I should do with it. There are times that I feel my words are good. Others not so good. But I am humbled and grateful for your presence here.

Hugs & blessings~~

13 Comments

Sharita Knobloch on July 2, 2012 at 11:32 am

Wonderful words, Mary. Change is stinking hard– very necessary but hard. Fortunately, we don't have to wave our own magic wand and do it on our own. So thankful for a God who loves us enough to take the time to transform us daily!

Also, love your gift list… I "finished" my list last week– and by finished, I mean will be continuing past 1000. 🙂 Blessings sister!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on July 3, 2012 at 11:22 am
  
  Congratulations on reaching 1000!! Thanks for stopping by.
  Reply
Kathleen on July 2, 2012 at 1:17 pm

I can be like that too. In a bad mood for no reason. Sometimes I'm convinced I have no control over it. But if not for those days, then we wouldn't appreciate the good days. Right? At least that's what I tell myself!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on July 3, 2012 at 11:22 am
  
  I think I do appreciate my good days more because of weekends like this. Fortunately, these days are few and far between – at least most of the time.
  Reply
Nikki @ Simplystriving on July 2, 2012 at 7:32 pm

"Lord, you use interesting things to reach me."
Oh, yes. He never ceases to amaze me in that category. So creative. Inventive…inspiring…

I see your raw heart, Mary. You do real…well.

beautiful list of thanks!

Hugs to you.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on July 3, 2012 at 11:23 am
  
  Thank you, Nikki. He certainly is creative, isn't he?
  Reply
joyformom on July 2, 2012 at 7:33 pm

#637… a husband (sister, mother, friend,etc.) that listens… truly a blessing to be thankful for! I enjoyed finding your blog and will be looking through it.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on July 3, 2012 at 11:24 am
  
  Thank you for stopping by.
  Reply
Susan in SC on July 2, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Sometimes it is so hard for us to just be still and listen to God. Listening is hard for us women since we are so verbal – at least it is for me. Hugs to you!!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on July 3, 2012 at 11:26 am
  
  Hi Susan…it is really hard for me to be still. I continue working on that.
  Reply
Dolly @Soulstops on July 2, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Hi Mary,

I was wondering how you were doing on your new path, that you mentioned a few weeks ago, and it looks like you are growing…He does use interesting things to reach us…Thank you for sharing your beautiful, honest heart and process…Blessings to you 🙂 Like you, my husband also helps me to gain a new perspective…funny, I also mentioned him today.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on July 3, 2012 at 11:28 am
  
  Oh Dolly…thanks so much for stopping by. I am growing (I think). He is certainly STRETCHING me. In ways I never expected. Here is where I revealed the details of my new adventure: http://memyselfandmercy.blogspot.com/2012/06/my-new-adventure.html
  
  Hugs to you~
  Reply
Jenifer Harrod on July 3, 2012 at 5:56 pm

I get like this too. I think we all do from time to time.Then we just need to recharge our living with more of God and the bible and singing song hymns and spiritual songs.
Reply

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In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

May 9

Open

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn't post it because I didn't like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I'm reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I'm grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I'm grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor