After…a 5 minute Friday

by Mary Bonner | Apr 5, 2013 | Uncategorized | 19 comments

AFTER

Today’s word for 5 minute Friday is AFTER. After she died my life was never the same. But not all in bad ways. I treasure time with friends and family more than I did before. I treasure moments instead of – no, because of – her short life.

I don’t just look for the BIG moments in life. I try to LIVE life and be thankful for all moments and ALL things. No matter how difficult or unpleasant.

Motherless daughters, a concept I do not understand, cannot appreciate. My mom is still alive and 90 years old. So I cannot speak to that experience. I don’t know what to say. I can only listen and hug those without their mothers.

But daughterless Mothers? I GET that. I TOTALLY get that. I can say what is on my heart and mind because THEY get it. I am sure it works that way with Mothers that have lost sons too. In fact, I think it works that way with those that have lost children. Period.

We are a member of a club we never asked to join. But we are members and we learn to live with it.

So the time after she died changed me. Made me who I am. She is part of my story.

And I will live my story to the best of my ability. Because HE wrote it. And he doesn’t write anything that isn’t worth reading…and living.

Joining Lisa-Jo and others for 5 minute Friday. Read more stories on AFTER here.

19 Comments

sarahlangdon on April 5, 2013 at 1:29 pm

Beautiful post, Mary. I nearly joined your numbers two years ago but was spared. My heart goes out to you.
Sarah
Reply
- Mary Bonner on April 5, 2013 at 4:38 pm
  
  Thank you Sarah…I am glad you were spared this heartache. But we all have our cross to bear, no?
  Reply
Dionne on April 5, 2013 at 1:45 pm

Thank you for you refreshing honesty today! I am a motherless daughter but not a sonless mother. So no, I CANNOT imagine the pain you've endured…the thought of losing my sons terrifies me, but you give me hope that God cares for us and takes care of us in any loss. Keep telling your beautiful story Mary!! 🙂
Reply
- Mary Bonner on April 5, 2013 at 4:38 pm
  
  Thank you for you encouraging words, Dionne.
  Reply
Wendy on April 5, 2013 at 2:17 pm

Oh friend. Beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. Blessings.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on April 5, 2013 at 4:39 pm
  
  thank you, Wendy!
  Reply
Mia De Vries on April 5, 2013 at 2:48 pm

Dear Mary
I think this is the worst thing that can happen to any parent, loosing a child! Any child creates a new world in your heart that lives on even when they pass away! And I am glad that you still visit that place for she will forever be part of you and living in that special place.
Blessings
Reply
- Mary Bonner on April 5, 2013 at 4:39 pm
  
  Yes, Mia, it is a terrible thing, but it is part of his plan and after 21 years….I can accept that. Thank you for your kind words my friend.
  Reply
Dianne on April 5, 2013 at 6:38 pm

Mary,
I was in the middle of a comment and lost it. I won't try to recapture what I wanted to say but suffice it to say that my heart bleeds for your loss.

You have been an inspiration to me.

love you
Reply
- Mary Bonner on April 5, 2013 at 7:57 pm
  
  Oh, Dianne…you are always so encouraging to me. thank you! Love you girl!!
  Reply
Debi @ DebiStangeland.com on April 5, 2013 at 7:44 pm

Thank you Mary for sharing this deeply intimate post. I am so blessed to have read it. I know of a mom who is losing a daughter today and these words of this being a part of your story help me as I support her and might someday help her as well. Thank you.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on April 5, 2013 at 7:58 pm
  
  Oh, Debbie…I am praying for you and your friend right now…
  Reply
Rebekah Hughes on April 5, 2013 at 9:16 pm

Mary,
I am sorry for the pain you endured when you became a daughterless mother. I can't imagine the grief. What a testimony to God's grace and love that you can share now all these years later.
Reply
jennspeacornpopnuts.com on April 5, 2013 at 10:05 pm

Oh Mary, that has to be a tough burden now and then – or always somehow present. I have been reading posts and enjoying conclusions and yours is awesome . . . "And I will live my story to the best of my ability. Because HE wrote it. And he doesn't write anything that isn't worth reading…and living." Little words of faith with huge impact because you have been there, done that. We are His witnesses. (Isaiah 46:10 I think). Thanks, Jenn
Reply
Christy on April 6, 2013 at 12:35 am

"And he doesn't write anything that isn't worth reading…and living." Amen, to that! Thank you for sharing so vulnerably today. Your words have encouraged many today.

Christy @ A Heartening Life
http://www.ahearteninglife.com
Reply
Thoughts for the day on April 6, 2013 at 4:14 am

That is so touching, and so real and precious. I am sorry for your loss.
Reply
Jacque @ Mercy Found Me on April 6, 2013 at 8:55 am

Oh Mary…what words? I'm so sorry…for the pain and the loss and the agony, the memory, and the remembering, but what beauty there is in the healing journey you've taken with Him. I'm giving thanks for your heart and for Him, how He's weaved it into the most beautiful thread in you, and thanks for how you've let Him, how you've surrendered to Him. And for the beauty in how He's using you in ways that would have never been possible without this pain…please know how very much you are loved. What a gift to call you friend. xoxo
Reply
BARBIE on April 7, 2013 at 4:05 am

I am so sorry for your loss. I've never had my heart broken in such a way. May God give you extra tight hugs tonight my friend.
Reply
Amy on April 8, 2013 at 2:04 am

So sorry for your loss. Thank you for so sharing your heart so honestly.
Reply

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She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor

Jun 3

Open

Every June I think I'm going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don't know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor

When I tell people that I am a VA (Virtual Assistant) often they want to know what I DO. And I tell them that I mostly deal with details. Managing the things (details) that creative people do not see themselves as “good at.” Budgets, remembering dates, creating schedules and timelines, gathering data and information, making sure they get paid, etc. A few years ago, I took on my first social media influencer client. And after working for 5 years with only faith-based clients, social media was a different world! I learned how to navigate that world and now my social media clients are among my favorites. In fact, I let go of most of my other clients to allow more time to work with the influencers. One of the faith-based clients I kept is @kriscamealy of @refineretreat

I have known Kris for 10 years and worked with her on Refine for, I don’t know…maybe 6. Kris recognizes the importance of rest and soul-care that enables us to create better and more meaningful content. Allows us to be more present for our families, clients, and our businesses.

Whether we are writing in our journal, painting on a canvas, creating paid content for a social media outlet, sitting at a pottery wheel, whatever the creative outlet we must tend to our souls. We must rest. We must learn to pause.

#Soulcare is not optional in this world in which we live. We must learn to stop so that we are able to go. We can run at a break-neck, full-tilt speed for a while but at some point, we will crash.

If you are looking for a way to slow down and take a weekend to care for yourself and your soul, check out @refineretreat. Maybe Refine isn’t for you. That is ok. But if you think this only applies to faith-based work, check out @lindsaynead ‘s post from April 19. Lindsay is an amazing businesswoman and she recognizes the power of slowing down. Of stopping. Of resting. She took a break and found herself better for it.

Soul care isn’t optional, it is essential.

Apr 29

Open