Contol what we can, deal with what we can’t!

by Mary Bonner | Jan 9, 2013 | Uncategorized | 16 comments

photo taken by my neice: Tarah Elise Duarte

If you are new to this series, you can read the first in the series here.

Last week I wrote about making this our mantra:.

“we must stop making a distinction between

a healthy lifestyle and our normal life.”

Did you pray about it? What do you think? Were you able to begin to grasp the idea of a healthy lifestyle as normal? Research says it takes 21 days to acquire a new habit and it has only been seven days since I wrote that post! So, if you are not yet thinking of your healthy lifestyle as normal…hang in there and don’t worry…change takes time.

You know, changing our behavior really IS where we need to direct our efforts.

Our behavior is what we can CONTROL. We can’t really control our weight, our body fat percentage, our cholesterol, our blood pressure and certainly not other people. We can do things to help our weight, lower our cholesterol and blood pressure, reduce our body fat, but we cannot really CONTROL these things. As for controlling other people…let’s not even go there!

But…we CAN control our behavior.

We can control the food and exercise choices that we make.

And to change our behavior we must be

willing to make some changes in these areas.

And…and this is a BIG AND…

we must be willing to make these changes for the long term.

I used to tell people in my Weight Watchers class that

whatever we do to LOSE the weight,

we must be willing to do to MAINTAIN the weight loss.

This really came home to me when I had a member that was exercising 3 hours a days. She went to the gym after dropping her kids at school. She did an aerobics class for 60 minutes, then she lifted weights for an hour, then took another 60 minute step class. Yes…she lost weight, but could she realistically maintain that level of activity for the rest of her life? The answer is NO, she could not and when she reached that point she had some serious work to do re-aligning her healthy lifestyle efforts.

So, please…while thinking about changes to make, consider how and if you can make these changes for the long term. It is important that you be able to do so.

I am NOT saying that extra exercise is a bad thing. Sometimes it is a good thing…but not everyday, week in, week out – just to lose weight. Nor am I saying that completely giving up a certain food or foods is not the right thing…sometimes it is the right thing. But what happens when we can no longer maintain that level of exercise or avoid that food?

When we are trying to change our habits and our attitudes we are not focusing on avoidance, restriction or excess.

And one big thing to remember…

We must want to change our lifestyle for US. Not our spouse. Not our mom, dad, employer, kids, job, whatever…we must want to do this for ourselves.

Lord, I ask that you bless the people reading this blog post. Give them the courage they need to make healthy choices today. Help them focus on you and the courage and strength they can get from you to win this healthy lifestyle battle. And Lord, I am asking that you specifically bless and give strength to some women that I know are trying to make some positive changes.

How can I pray for you this week? Please send me an e-mail or let me know in the comments. I promise to pray for you.

I’m linking with Mary Beth at New Life Steward

for Work in Progress Wednesday

16 Comments

Dianne on January 9, 2013 at 2:29 pm

Another great post to help keep me motivated–I am coming to depend upon Wednesdays to ground me once again. Thank you, Mary!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 9, 2013 at 3:14 pm
  
  Dear Dianne…I am praying about this series and my blog. If this ministers to you, then I am blessed. So glad you find it helpful.
  Reply
Stephani - A Defined Life on January 9, 2013 at 6:03 pm

Thanks for this Mary. My one word for this year is "honor." It applies to every area of our life include our health and fitness and eating habits. I can honor God with what and how much I eat, and how often I put in something in my mouth. When I consciously choose to honor God with what I eat, and I deliberately ask myself the question, "Am I honoring God?" it is real hard to keep eating past full or eat for emotional reasons. I can eat to God's glory. The same thing goes for activity or sloth. So, as I honor God this year in all things my health should improve as a result. I so agree that normal should be healthy. The word diet is a temporary thing, but lifestyle is a way of living that we have adopted. I'm all about adopting a new lifestyle this year!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 9, 2013 at 6:12 pm
  
  I love this, Stephani and it is so true! I'll start asking myself that question "Am I honoring God?" I might be afraid of the answer sometimes!
  Reply
Michelle DeRusha@Graceful on January 9, 2013 at 10:01 pm

I love this new series, Mary – you go, girl!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 9, 2013 at 11:44 pm
  
  Thanks so much Michelle.
  Reply
Mia De Vries on January 9, 2013 at 10:45 pm

Dear Mary
This is wisdom, dear one, that I had to put into practise in my lifr when I was diagnosed withFm/CFS. I knew I had to adapt my life to my new limitations and had to learn to pace myself and to set realistic goals. Some days it means doing nothing and that is okay. Not easy, but His grace is always sufficient. Nice seeing you at WIP.
Blessings, dear one
Mia
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 9, 2013 at 11:45 pm
  
  Oh, Mia…I am sure it is hard for you at times. It is true that His grace is sufficient. Praying for you.
  Reply
Our Stories God's Glory on January 9, 2013 at 11:40 pm

I love your reasonable approach to controlling what we can…and making changes that we can really live with. Oh my, when I think of all the diets I've tried that I haven't been able to live with, well, I'm not counting. Thanks for this…and are you familiar with Holley Gerth's eBook The Do What You Can Plan? It fits in with your post http://www.amazon.com/What-Plan-Ebook-Shorts-ebook/dp/B00AFWM2VS Blessings!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 9, 2013 at 11:45 pm
  
  Yes, I am familiar with that book and think it is great. Thank you for your encouraging words and stopping by!
  Reply
Deidra on January 10, 2013 at 2:10 am

I love this new series, Mary! You are gifted to share these truths with us. Thank you!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 10, 2013 at 11:57 am
  
  Thank you, Deidra. Nothing new here, really…just my version and it is really all HIM.
  Reply
Kristen@Chasing Blue Skies on January 11, 2013 at 4:00 am

I adore this, Mary. I love how you discuss a healthy lifestyle as being one and the same as a normal lifestyle. I never thought about it before, but often a distinction *is* made between the two. Perfect time of year to share your wisdom, too. Thank you, friend! Happy New Year to you and yours.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 11, 2013 at 6:10 am
  
  Thanks for stopping by Kristen! Happy New Year to you too!
  Reply
Kathy H on January 11, 2013 at 7:46 pm

Right on!! Please pray for me Mary, I am working on taking care of ME in 2013. I haven't posted a blog in several weeks either 🙁
Reply
- Mary Bonner on January 11, 2013 at 8:03 pm
  
  Oh, Kathy…I will certainly pray for you. Taking care of you is important; you'll be better able to care for others when you are well cared for.
  Reply

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In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

May 9

Open

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn't post it because I didn't like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I'm reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I'm grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I'm grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor