A Gift…

by Mary Bonner | Mar 30, 2012 | Uncategorized | 22 comments

On Fridays I join The Gypsy Mama for her 5 minute Friday link-up. She gives a word prompt and I write.

The rules:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Meet & encourage someone who linked up before you.

Today’s word: GIFT

It didn’t seem like a gift at the time. All the tears. All the sorrow.

Planning a funeral – not a gift.

Burying a baby child – not a gift.

Having tons of people tell you how sorry they are – not a gift.

No, none of it seemed like a gift at the time.

They say time heals all wounds. I don’t believe that. This is a wound that doesn’t really HEAL, it just gets different. It no longer bleeds, it no longer oozes constant sorrow. But occasionally after almost 20 years it still sheds a tear or tears and the sorrow wells up.

What is a gift is that HE planned it. HE knew what was going to happen and gave me the courage to travel the path back to Him. To believe that all is not lost. All is not in that grave.

Life experiences make us who we are and I am forever grateful for the 9 months I carried her, the 4 short days she lived and the almost 20 years that I remember her.

I feel differently about life because of the gift. I see things differently because of the gift. I cherish things in a way I wouldn’t have because of the gift.

Thank you, Lord for the gift of Amy.

STOP

I have found that sometimes the things in life that are the most painful are the greatest gifts, once I get past the pain.

22 Comments

Eva Trillian on March 30, 2012 at 7:22 am

Beautiful post!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 30, 2012 at 11:36 am
  
  Thank you.
  Reply
Meredith on March 30, 2012 at 9:25 am

*hugs*
I am so humbled by your honesty, and by the faith you have shown. My post is also about a loss that we experienced — my ectopic pregnancy right before we had our second son. It rocked my world, but — I can't imagine what you and your family had to live through.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 30, 2012 at 11:38 am
  
  Oh, Meredith my heart aches for you. I'll be over to read your post shortly.
  Reply
Kimberly on March 30, 2012 at 9:57 am

Oh, this moved me. Your perspective after twenty years is so beautiful.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 30, 2012 at 11:38 am
  
  Thank you Kimberly…it is a journey.
  Reply
Laura on March 30, 2012 at 10:29 am

So obvious to see the healing He has done in your soul. Thank you for sharing.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 30, 2012 at 11:38 am
  
  Laura, without HIM I could not have survived.
  Reply
Kathleen on March 30, 2012 at 11:53 am

Beautiful post Mary. It can be so hard to find the light through the darkness….but your faith has helped you do that. Thanks for sharing.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 30, 2012 at 12:07 pm
  
  Thank you, Kathleen. It was/is my faith that gets me through.
  Reply
Nikki on March 30, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Oh friend…your post is a gift to me! I delivered stillborn 2 years ago and am encouraged to see your heart 20 years later. For I don't want the memory to harden. I want to remember the gift given.
And am so thrilled it strengthened you and drew you closer to Him. And gave you a gifted perspective on life… That is a gift indeed!
Hugs to you!
All for Him,
Nikki
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 30, 2012 at 2:57 pm
  
  Nikki, I wish I could give you some magic words to make the journey easier, but I can't. I just know that HE know alls and is good above all else!
  Reply
Jody Collins @ Threewaylight on March 30, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Mary–we've just 'met' via Gypsy Mama. This was a beautiful post. You will always have the gift of comforting others, too, as the Word says we have when we experience sorrow. No one can feel or understand the pain of losing a child except someone who has been through it.
And your sharing it brings glory to the Father–which is a gift to us.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 30, 2012 at 2:57 pm
  
  Thank you, Jody. It is true. My husband and I have been able to minister to others because of the experience.
  Reply
Carol on March 30, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Beautiful post– thanks for writing about your Amy. I too have lost a child, but he was with us for eight years. I treasure the gift of Steven's life, and I know the pain. The blessing is that God walks with us. He knows.

In Him,
Carol
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 30, 2012 at 6:12 pm
  
  Beautifully said, Carol…He knows. Yes, he does.
  Reply
Dianne on March 30, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Beautiful amidst the tears and pain–
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 30, 2012 at 6:13 pm
  
  Thank you friend.
  Reply
Dolly on March 30, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Oh, Mary, thank you for the gift of your honesty and the picture you shared of God redeeming your pain. I am humbled. Thank you.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 30, 2012 at 6:13 pm
  
  Oh, Dolly…I am humbled that you took time to stop by. He is the great Redeemer, isn't he!?!
  Reply
Kris on March 30, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Mary, this is so painful-beautiful. I can only imagine the sorrow, the hard eucharisteo of such an event. What grace He gives us in these things, to somehow, hold our heads up, to rest our broken hearts in His lap. Beautiful words, my friend. God bless your heart!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on March 30, 2012 at 6:15 pm
  
  Kris, it is so true! The grace he gives us when we need it is truly amazing. Thank you for stopping by.
  Reply

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In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

May 9

Open

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn't post it because I didn't like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I'm reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I'm grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I'm grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor