I will survive…

by Mary Bonner | Jun 10, 2010 | Uncategorized | 10 comments

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

I Peter 5:7

If you have read my blog very often, you have read this scripture probably more than any other. After Amy died, I re-read every sympathy card and made notes of any scriptures that were on the card, either written in by the sender or printed somewhere on the card. I Peter 5:7 showed up alot. The King James Version reads:

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

He cares for me and is willing to take all my cares, all my anxiety, all my worry, all my fears…if I will just cast them upon him. This is a pretty awesome promise, one I think of often.

I made it through yesterday…no tears at work on Tuesday or Wednesday, just tears in the car and at home…or at cantor practice. On Tuesday night I had cantor practice at church. As John & I had dinner before I left for practice, I got teary-eyed and he asked if I was going to go, I told him yes, I would be fine. As we were singing the Psalm, one of the first things we did, and it was my turn to sing a verse, I got through two phrases and completely broke down. We were singing Psalm 63…my verse was number 3…”I will bless your name all the days I live, I will raise my hands and call on you…” That is as far as I got before I quit singing. All I could think about was how I have called on Him sooooo many times over the years, especially when Amy died. I announced that tomorrow was my daughter’s birthday and I just really wanted to go home. I left practice in tears and a wonderful lady followed me out to make sure I was OK before driving home. We chatted for a few minutes, I shared some with her about Amy and she made a comment about June babies being good, this lady was a June baby. Her birthday is June 12th…the day Amy died. Doesn’t God work in mysterious ways?!? I actually felt better as I drove home. Thank you, Ann.

I survived yesterday…I will survive June 12th…I will survive June 16th, the day we buried her. I will survive…period. Gloria Gaynor has nothing on me! I have the Lord on my side, willing and able to take ALL my care, all I have to do is cast it upon Him. One of the things I learned from that period of my life is that I CAN do much more that I ever thought I could, but only because He is with me.

Maybe, after 18 years, I have reached a point where I can put some of those lessons in writing. Maybe it is time for me to put some of those thoughts and memories in writing. I don’t know, I will have to think on that…I am not sure what I will do.

Thank you for bearing with me another day…I have much in my heart that I want to share, but it will have to come out slowly, over time.

When I got home yesterday, there was a message from Ann and another friend letting me know they were thinking about me, I rec’d an e-mail message early yesterday morning from a friend, when I got home from work there were flowers on my porch with a note signed “Thinking of you today” but no name, several readers sent messages they were thinking of me…then last night Andy called to see how I was doing…he remembered it was Amy’s birthday! That was a really good sign for me…Andy is doing well in California and just wanted me to know he was thinking about me.
Thank you to all of you…I could feel your prayers.
Have a blessed day!

Even in the midst of my sadness…I have so many blessings

10 Comments

Mary333 on June 10, 2010 at 3:42 pm

I am praying for you, Mary. May Mother Mary console you and hold you close to her heart.
Reply
Dianna on June 10, 2010 at 7:38 pm

I'm praying for you, Mary.

Hugs to you,
Dianna
Reply
April on June 10, 2010 at 8:40 pm

Dear Mary,
I just want to say that May God bless you with His peace and His comforting Presence.
Blessings,
April.
Reply
Annesta on June 11, 2010 at 12:28 am

Praying for you, Mary.
~a
Reply
Natalie on June 11, 2010 at 7:42 pm

Praying also for you, Mary. Yes, you WILL survive! "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." Eph 3:20-21

(Forgive me for posting this in a comment but I cannot find your e-mail address on your blog or in your profile and I wanted you to know that you won the contest on my blog! Please e-mail me at onethingspoken@gmail.com)
Reply
Wendy on June 12, 2010 at 11:45 pm

Praying for you today, Mary.
Reply
scmom (Barbara) on June 14, 2010 at 2:39 am

So sorry for your loss, Mary. Praise God that you have your faith and you know that one day you will be together.
Reply
Stacey on June 14, 2010 at 9:08 pm

I was reading through my google reader and unable to pop over to comment, but wanted to let you know you have been in my prayers all week and will continue to be this week.
(((hugs)))
Reply
Lindsey on June 15, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Praying God floods you with HIS peace!

~Lindsey~
Reply
Carolyn on June 19, 2010 at 2:10 am

Mary, as you know I am always behind reading your Blog. I just read June 10. For you, I regret I was late reading and didn't remember it was Amy's birthday. Selfishly, for me, I do not regret being late. I have talked to you several times since then, so I know you survived, as you always do.
Today was hard enough. Had I read the post on June the 10, I would have felt compelled to call you which would have made it worse for both of us. You were much better off in His comfort and care!
I am very glad Andy remembered and very glad he called to let you know he remembered.
I just figured out how to sign on as a follower with Google Friend!
I love you dearly.
Reply

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In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

May 9

Open

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn't post it because I didn't like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I'm reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I'm grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I'm grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor