The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything,
but in every situation, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God,
which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Phillipians 4:4-7
And slowly, very slowly a peace settled over me.
Recently, I have been experiencing some anxious moments when it comes to writing and this space. What to write. When to write. IF I was even SUPPOSED to write! What in the world was I to do???
Would I EVER get an answer?
YES! I would get an answer. But only after I LET GO of the problem.
Only after I opened my hands and gave the problem to him. LITERALLY.
I prayed and said, “Lord, what DO you want me to do? I will give up the space. I will walk away from the blog. I just need to know what YOU want. Whatever that is, I will do it.”
The answer was a resounding NO! Do not walk away.
“Ok, then Lord…please tell me what you want me to do with. Please tell me what you want me to say.”
And he did. It took another month, but then the message was clear.
I have already told you what the plan is for this space is here. This post isn’t about telling you the plan, this post is about telling you HOW I figured out the plan.
It was only after I let go of the problem, that I found peace and an answer. And that is very much how it is with many of the big decisions that I have faced in my life.
And when HE takes over, things go much more smoothly than when I am in charge.
But it is the letting go that is so hard. Hard for me anyway. But I am getting there…nothing like taking half a century to figure something out!
Lord, I am so thankful that you gave me direction for this space. Please continue to guide me and continue giving me the courage to let go. I don’t need to try and to this on my own, I know you can handle it all…I just need to let you. Thank you for the peace I have experienced so far.
Is there something in your life you need to let go of so you can continue holding on?
On Wednesday I will be back with my second installment of my weight loss journey.
In the meantime, need a special Christmas gift or want a special serving dish for your holiday table? How about this beautiful casserole dish for your favorite holiday casserole?
Check out my online store. If you see something you like, let me know…I am offering free shipping during the month of November. E-mail me for details.
FOR THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER,
I AM OFFERING FREE SHIPPING ON ANY
BLESSINGS UNLIMITED ORDER
FROM MY ONLINE STORE.
CONTACT ME AT mbonner1021 at yahoo dot com FOR DETAILS.
I have removed Disqus and I am no longer using it for comments. I am also not using word verification. I am hoping this makes it easier for you to comment. Thanks!
Mary, I can certainly relate to your feelings about your blog. I've been in sort of an little turmoil myself. I know that God will work it out as I walk with Him. Oh I love that casserole dish. I keep meaning to sign up as a consultant for Blessings through a friend. Just can't seem to find the extra $100 cash! I got rid of Disqus too!
You are right, Barbie…he WILL work it out, but the waiting can seem like torture sometimes! The Blessings Unlimited thing was absolutely something I felt led to do even though it is out of my comfort zone. Praying for you friend!
You are welcome, Jessica! And thank you for stopping by. I am humbled that my writing encouraged you. I'll be praying for you as you deal with your something.
This has been one of the hardest lessons to learn for me: To let go and let God lead. I'm such a control freak! I've even asked Him repeatedly why He made me this way, but I'm beginning to see. He's teaching me that dying to self…and I'm learning. growing. stretching. striving. Just like you. So proud of you! I'll be back tomorrow, friend 😉
I am also a control freak, Nikki. That is why letting go is such a challenge. I wonder how many times I have written about that on my blog; I know it is something I continually work at! Thank you, friend, for taking the time to visit!
The verses from Philippians 4:4-7 are one of my favorites. The comments and the photos also enhanced the meaning of these verses. You have touched my spirit and know that your ministry through words will bless and inspire many others. I enjoy the analogy of letting go of problems and giving them to God for Him to work out the decisions that He wants us to pursue.
I love watcing you contnue to grow and I learn so much from you….always have! Thanks Mary!! BTW; I just followed you on twitter too…new to that, but trying to figure it out, lol
it is so true what you wrote…when we let go, He gives us peace…I relearn that one over and over, sometimes..so glad you have peace about your blog, Mary 🙂
You know something, Dolly…I relearn this over and over too!! Or maybe I don't LEARN it, maybe I just practice it for a while, then go back to my old ways and have to be reminded again! 🙂
In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.
The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner
The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.
I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!
And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!
Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!
She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.
Born 6-9-1992
Died 6-12-1992
Buried 6-16-1992
That would be 31 years ago today.
Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.
This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.
I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.
I took a walk.
Got a pedicure.
Cried.
And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.
And I give myself permission to do nothing else.
I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.
John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.
I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.
A loss is a loss.
Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.
In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.
My heart still hurts.
I cry at random times.
And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.
I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.
The relationships.
The life events.
Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.
Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.
If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.
I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.
As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.
I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.
Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.
I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.
I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity. And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.
The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.
If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.
Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.
"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss." Blood From a Stone Adam McHugh Page 102
Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.
She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.
There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.
I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.
Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8
If I learned anything from this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13
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Mary, I can certainly relate to your feelings about your blog. I've been in sort of an little turmoil myself. I know that God will work it out as I walk with Him. Oh I love that casserole dish. I keep meaning to sign up as a consultant for Blessings through a friend. Just can't seem to find the extra $100 cash! I got rid of Disqus too!
You are right, Barbie…he WILL work it out, but the waiting can seem like torture sometimes! The Blessings Unlimited thing was absolutely something I felt led to do even though it is out of my comfort zone. Praying for you friend!
Yes, I do have something like that in my life. Thank you for the encouragement!
You are welcome, Jessica! And thank you for stopping by. I am humbled that my writing encouraged you. I'll be praying for you as you deal with your something.
This has been one of the hardest lessons to learn for me: To let go and let God lead. I'm such a control freak! I've even asked Him repeatedly why He made me this way, but I'm beginning to see. He's teaching me that dying to self…and I'm learning. growing. stretching. striving. Just like you. So proud of you! I'll be back tomorrow, friend 😉
I am also a control freak, Nikki. That is why letting go is such a challenge. I wonder how many times I have written about that on my blog; I know it is something I continually work at! Thank you, friend, for taking the time to visit!
The verses from Philippians 4:4-7 are one of my favorites. The comments and the photos also enhanced the meaning of these verses. You have touched my spirit and know that your ministry through words will bless and inspire many others. I enjoy the analogy of letting go of problems and giving them to God for Him to work out the decisions that He wants us to pursue.
Kat, thank you. I am humbled by your words. If the Lord can use my words to touch anyone, that is all I can ask.
Letting go – one of the hardest things we human can do. We always wants to make sure we are in control. Great post!!
I agree Susan, letting go is probably one of the hardest things we can do! And it is something I am constantly working on!
I love watcing you contnue to grow and I learn so much from you….always have! Thanks Mary!! BTW; I just followed you on twitter too…new to that, but trying to figure it out, lol
Oh, Kathy…if the Lord uses my words to minister to someone that is all I can ask. I'll have to find you on twitter!
it is so true what you wrote…when we let go, He gives us peace…I relearn that one over and over, sometimes..so glad you have peace about your blog, Mary 🙂
You know something, Dolly…I relearn this over and over too!! Or maybe I don't LEARN it, maybe I just practice it for a while, then go back to my old ways and have to be reminded again! 🙂