5 minute Friday…

by Mary Bonner | May 3, 2013 | Uncategorized | 16 comments

I’m joining Lisa-Jo for 5 minute Friday. I write for 5 minutes on a word prompt supplied by Lisa-Jo…no editing, no backtracking…just writing. You can join too, check out the details here.

TODAY’S PROMPT: BRAVE

Some days I do not feel brave. But I know deep inside that some days I am. I was brave the day I walked into the emergency room and saw all the blood and my son’s face so torn up I didn’t know if he would ever look “normal.” Whatever THAT is!

I was brave the day I buried my daughter.

I was brave the day I picked up my life and all my belongings and move to the other side of the country. Yes, I know some people move to the other side of the world. But that day, for me, moving from the Midwest to the east coast WAS like moving to the other side of the world.

I was brave the day I attend the Allume conference not knowing a single soul.

And other days I am not brave. I just crawl inside my shell and stay there.

I want to be brave and live my slowly, developing God-sized dream. But I am not that brave…yet…but I am getting there. And someday, I’ll be brave enough to share my dream with others.

Right now, I am just brave enough to continue exploring, praying and waiting. I know what I am afraid of and I wrote my fears on a rock and slowly, I am releasing those fears.

Are you brave?

Do you know what you are afraid of?

Read more 5 minute Friday posts on BRAVE here.

Links and photo added after 5 minutes

16 Comments

Rebekah on May 3, 2013 at 8:24 am

To survive all of that- you for SURE are brave :). I don't always feel brave, but I know I have a strong spirit if that makes sense. I know all of my fears all too well, and that is what humbles me. I am your neighbor at FMF! Nice to read what you wrote. I completely get what you are saying and can relate.
Reply
Nancy Kourmoulis on May 3, 2013 at 12:06 pm

Yes, you are brave. To keep opening your heart here, to share life with others, to trust in the Lord's timing – that is brave.
Reply
interrobangkjl on May 3, 2013 at 1:13 pm

What is brave enough? You are incredibly brave, for all the ways you have written here and for the way you have shared your heart here in words, such brave vulnerability. I pray God provides you strength as you continue to step out in faith, especially when all you might want to do is stay in your shell.
Reply
1 of the Creekside Team on May 3, 2013 at 1:45 pm

I am so sorry and saddened for your losses … and yet I am thankful that we connect here on Fridays, Mary.

May your writing bring you strength and peace …
Linda
Reply
Denise on May 3, 2013 at 1:46 pm

You are a brave woman, bless you.
Reply
Dianne on May 3, 2013 at 4:34 pm

I loved this post, Mary and it tied in so great with the post by Jennifer.

I am going to do this with the guys from the Ranch–writing on the stones and throwing them into the lake.

This post was for them I think–and me–thank you!
Reply
Amy on May 3, 2013 at 5:34 pm

Even when you don't think you were brave you really were simply because you knew the One to turn to. Thank you for sharing
Reply
Kimberly on May 3, 2013 at 5:34 pm

You are so full of courage, Mary. I can't wait to hear about your God-sized dream.
Reply
michelle on May 3, 2013 at 5:42 pm

Mary, you sound brave to me! God bless you! Happy FMF!
Reply
Karrilee Aggett on May 3, 2013 at 6:23 pm

You, my friend, are all kinds of Brave!!!
Reply
Sharon @ Hiking Toward Home on May 3, 2013 at 8:19 pm

Yes, brave to go to Allume alone knowing no one. 🙂
Are you going to the next one? I'd love to meet up with you!
Reply
Mia De Vries on May 3, 2013 at 8:30 pm

Dear Mary
To bury a child is one of the hardest things one can ever do and I admire your courage! I think our Pappa will write His dream in your heart and enable you to share it with us at just the right time. So just keep on keeping on! He does say that He gives His talents as we are able to receive.
Blessings from FMF
Mia
Reply
Crystal Stine on May 4, 2013 at 12:22 am

You inspire me, Mary. What brave, beautiful words. And I can't wait for the day you take that first step toward your dream – God has good things planned!
Reply
Dolly @Soulstops on May 4, 2013 at 1:17 am

Mary,
You are brave, braver than you think…I admire your courage to keep exploring and for not giving up…cheering for you and for how God will work in your God-sized dream 🙂
Reply
Nikki @ Simplystriving on May 4, 2013 at 3:56 am

Mary,
I would have thought you'd have written the book on brave. because you are, friend.

sharing the truth is the bravest thing I know. and you do it valiantly.
Reply
BARBIE on May 4, 2013 at 4:31 am

You are beautiful and you are brave. Thank you for sharing your heart here. For me, what I fear most is that I will fail, miss the mark, not accomplish what I set out to do. It keeps me from pressing forward, but I've been given new courage to dream again. Hopefully soon I will be moving forward! Hugs!
Reply

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In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

May 9

Open

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn't post it because I didn't like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I'm reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I'm grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I'm grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor