It is not dry skin…

by Mary Bonner | Jul 8, 2010 | Uncategorized | 5 comments

“Her towns will be desolate,

a dry and desert land,

a land where no one lives,

through which no man travels.”

Jeremiah 51:43

This is how I feel…and I don’t mean dry skin! This week it has seemed like I have nothing to share with you after my quiet time. Not that Max Lucado, Billy Graham and the writers of Living Faith don’t have good stuff to say…THEY do! I don’t! Or at least that is the way I feel. God is speaking to my heart about a number of things…yet, the message or messages do not seem to be coming in clearly. Kind of like a dropped cell phone call or static on a radio. It isn’t that I am not praying…I am. It isn’t that things are so bad in my life that I can’t see straight…they aren’t. No, it is like I am on a road with no billboards, a road with no towns, a road with no businesses…a dry and desert land. If you have ever driven through Kansas or through the desert in Arizona or other western states (think Wyoming – beautiful, but not much there!)…then you can get a picture of nothing. THAT is how I feel. So, my friends…that is why, IF you checked my blog this week, there has been nothing since Monday’s Gratitude List.

So, today I am just going to share a few things going on in my life…

Andy called last night. He thought we might have heard about the 5.9 earthquake near Palm Springs. Since he is living near there he wanted us to know he is fine. (We had not heard, but it was good of him to call.) He said it was kind of wild. The water in the pool was sloshing about 12″ high.

My dad, 88, is in the hospital and has been for 10 days and no talk of going home. It started out with pain, diagnosed as diverticulitis, which he has had before. But his blood pressure has been extremely low and they have discovered he is diabetic. He is improving and sounds good when you talk to him and the doctors say he is going in the right direction.

My parents were supposed to go to California for two months to stay with my sister. They were to leave on July 17th, but that trip has been cancelled. When the start date of my new job got pushed back two weeks, I decided I needed to go visit my parents and started researching airfares to Memphis or Little Rock, when John reminded me that they would be in California. After checking with my sister and making sure it would be OK to visit at the same time, I booked a ticket to California. I would get to see my parents, my sister & her husband AND Andy!!! Now…it will just be Andy and my sister & her husband. The cost of changing the airline ticket is not something I can afford, so I will have to work out another time to go visit my parents. This is one of those times that the Lord has a plan…he KNEW who I would see in California!

Tomorrow afternoon John & I will be leaving for a vacation with his family. We will be on the southern Outer Banks of North Carolina. We have been going there for 20+ years…when we lived in the Midwest it was the only time he saw most of his family. Since we moved east, he sees some of them occasionally during the year, but this is a restful and peaceful time to watch the waves, have conversations with siblings and watch the nieces and nephews grow from year to year…I told John that I would get some of my stuff together this morning before work…maybe I should get busy. 🙂

Lord, you know what is going on with me, even if I don’t. I ask that you help me to accept whatever you are trying to show me, but please make it a bit clearer…I really am trying to get it. Bless those reading this blog. Thank you for my blogging friends, Lord, I have learned so much from all of them. Please be with my Dad and help the doctors know how to treat him. Be with my Mom as she tries to deal with all of this. Please help her get her rest. Thank you for my family that is close enough to help out. Thank you for another day to try and serve you…I really do what to be Jesus to the world, Lord. Please help me do that.

Do you ever feel like the messages from the Lord get lost? Like he is trying to tell you somthing, but it just isn’t getting COMPLETELY thorough to your heart? Of course, if it has to come thru my brain to process before going to my heart…maybe that is the problem, I feel like my brain isn’t functioning too well these days!!

5 Comments

Natalie on July 8, 2010 at 11:25 am

Yes, I've had these seasons, too, Mary. We all do. If Scriptures are any indication from the Israelites to today, God always seasons in the wilderness. It is always to stretch our faith. Will we trust Him even when He chooses not to reveal Himself? I am praying for you right now that the reason for this desert will be fulfilled and you can begin to see and hear Him clearly again. In the meantime, walk by faith, sister!
Reply
Annesta on July 8, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Dear Sweet Mary,
Your honesty and openness are so refreshing. You have no "agenda" with your post, just a heart felt message of where you find yourself at this moment.
Sometimes, in the silence, I feel that God is wanting me to be still and reflect on Him. I think He is saying "there doesn't always have to be noise, you can sit and be silent in my presence and trust that in my silence, I am sovereign and I am on my throne."
Thank you for praying for me today. I have been on the struggle bus!
Have a wonderful trip and praying that your dad improves soon and is able to resume his normal activities.
blessings
~a
Reply
Wendy on July 8, 2010 at 3:42 pm

Praying for your Dad today.
Reply
Mary333 on July 8, 2010 at 10:58 pm

Mary,
This happens to me, also. Supposedly, these are the periods in which we make the most progress though it doesn't seem that way from our end 🙂 I guess it's kind of obvious that I'm going through the desert, too, from my posts lately. I usually have an easy time writing about what I feel the Lord speaking…but not lately. I know that the Holy Spirit is always hard at work, though!

I will pray for your dad.

Speaking of dry skin – my scalp is sunburned from the beach and peeling! Gross!
Reply
Mary Bonner on July 9, 2010 at 1:45 am

Thank you everybody…for your prayers and kind thoughts. I believe God is working. AND…my Dad is supposed to go home tomorrow!!
Reply

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In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor

Jun 3

Open

Every June I think I'm going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don't know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor

When I tell people that I am a VA (Virtual Assistant) often they want to know what I DO. And I tell them that I mostly deal with details. Managing the things (details) that creative people do not see themselves as “good at.” Budgets, remembering dates, creating schedules and timelines, gathering data and information, making sure they get paid, etc. A few years ago, I took on my first social media influencer client. And after working for 5 years with only faith-based clients, social media was a different world! I learned how to navigate that world and now my social media clients are among my favorites. In fact, I let go of most of my other clients to allow more time to work with the influencers. One of the faith-based clients I kept is @kriscamealy of @refineretreat

I have known Kris for 10 years and worked with her on Refine for, I don’t know…maybe 6. Kris recognizes the importance of rest and soul-care that enables us to create better and more meaningful content. Allows us to be more present for our families, clients, and our businesses.

Whether we are writing in our journal, painting on a canvas, creating paid content for a social media outlet, sitting at a pottery wheel, whatever the creative outlet we must tend to our souls. We must rest. We must learn to pause.

#Soulcare is not optional in this world in which we live. We must learn to stop so that we are able to go. We can run at a break-neck, full-tilt speed for a while but at some point, we will crash.

If you are looking for a way to slow down and take a weekend to care for yourself and your soul, check out @refineretreat. Maybe Refine isn’t for you. That is ok. But if you think this only applies to faith-based work, check out @lindsaynead ‘s post from April 19. Lindsay is an amazing businesswoman and she recognizes the power of slowing down. Of stopping. Of resting. She took a break and found herself better for it.

Soul care isn’t optional, it is essential.

Apr 29

Open

When I tell people that I am a VA (Virtual Assistant) often they want to know what I DO. And I tell them that I mostly deal with details. Managing the things (details) that creative people do not see themselves as “good at.” Budgets, remembering dates, creating schedules and timelines, gathering data and information, making sure they get paid, etc. A few years ago, I took on my first social media influencer client. And after working for 5 years with only faith-based clients, social media was a different world! I learned how to navigate that world and now my social media clients are among my favorites. In fact, I let go of most of my other clients to allow more time to work with the influencers. One of the faith-based clients I kept is @kriscamealy of @refineretreat

I have known Kris for 10 years and worked with her on Refine for, I don’t know…maybe 6. Kris recognizes the importance of rest and soul-care that enables us to create better and more meaningful content. Allows us to be more present for our families, clients, and our businesses.

Whether we are writing in our journal, painting on a canvas, creating paid content for a social media outlet, sitting at a pottery wheel, whatever the creative outlet we must tend to our souls. We must rest. We must learn to pause.

#Soulcare is not optional in this world in which we live. We must learn to stop so that we are able to go. We can run at a break-neck, full-tilt speed for a while but at some point, we will crash.

If you are looking for a way to slow down and take a weekend to care for yourself and your soul, check out @refineretreat. Maybe Refine isn’t for you. That is ok. But if you think this only applies to faith-based work, check out @lindsaynead ‘s post from April 19. Lindsay is an amazing businesswoman and she recognizes the power of slowing down. Of stopping. Of resting. She took a break and found herself better for it.

Soul care isn’t optional, it is essential.

Leroy left us today. He was diagnosed with Lymphoma 4 weeks ago tomorrow. I miss him so much. Some early photos are in my stories. He was THE BEST DOG! And he had a good life. He was SPOILED rotten. At times I think @coach_andy_bonner thought Leroy was treated better than Andy when he was home.

Feb 16

Open