This is how I feel…and I don’t mean dry skin! This week it has seemed like I have nothing to share with you after my quiet time. Not that Max Lucado, Billy Graham and the writers of Living Faith don’t have good stuff to say…THEY do! I don’t! Or at least that is the way I feel. God is speaking to my heart about a number of things…yet, the message or messages do not seem to be coming in clearly. Kind of like a dropped cell phone call or static on a radio. It isn’t that I am not praying…I am. It isn’t that things are so bad in my life that I can’t see straight…they aren’t. No, it is like I am on a road with no billboards, a road with no towns, a road with no businesses…a dry and desert land. If you have ever driven through Kansas or through the desert in Arizona or other western states (think Wyoming – beautiful, but not much there!)…then you can get a picture of nothing. THAT is how I feel. So, my friends…that is why, IF you checked my blog this week, there has been nothing since Monday’s Gratitude List.
So, today I am just going to share a few things going on in my life…
Andy called last night. He thought we might have heard about the 5.9 earthquake near Palm Springs. Since he is living near there he wanted us to know he is fine. (We had not heard, but it was good of him to call.) He said it was kind of wild. The water in the pool was sloshing about 12″ high.
My dad, 88, is in the hospital and has been for 10 days and no talk of going home. It started out with pain, diagnosed as diverticulitis, which he has had before. But his blood pressure has been extremely low and they have discovered he is diabetic. He is improving and sounds good when you talk to him and the doctors say he is going in the right direction.
My parents were supposed to go to California for two months to stay with my sister. They were to leave on July 17th, but that trip has been cancelled. When the start date of my new job got pushed back two weeks, I decided I needed to go visit my parents and started researching airfares to Memphis or Little Rock, when John reminded me that they would be in California. After checking with my sister and making sure it would be OK to visit at the same time, I booked a ticket to California. I would get to see my parents, my sister & her husband AND Andy!!! Now…it will just be Andy and my sister & her husband. The cost of changing the airline ticket is not something I can afford, so I will have to work out another time to go visit my parents. This is one of those times that the Lord has a plan…he KNEW who I would see in California!
Tomorrow afternoon John & I will be leaving for a vacation with his family. We will be on the southern Outer Banks of North Carolina. We have been going there for 20+ years…when we lived in the Midwest it was the only time he saw most of his family. Since we moved east, he sees some of them occasionally during the year, but this is a restful and peaceful time to watch the waves, have conversations with siblings and watch the nieces and nephews grow from year to year…I told John that I would get some of my stuff together this morning before work…maybe I should get busy. 🙂
Lord, you know what is going on with me, even if I don’t. I ask that you help me to accept whatever you are trying to show me, but please make it a bit clearer…I really am trying to get it. Bless those reading this blog. Thank you for my blogging friends, Lord, I have learned so much from all of them. Please be with my Dad and help the doctors know how to treat him. Be with my Mom as she tries to deal with all of this. Please help her get her rest. Thank you for my family that is close enough to help out. Thank you for another day to try and serve you…I really do what to be Jesus to the world, Lord. Please help me do that.
Do you ever feel like the messages from the Lord get lost? Like he is trying to tell you somthing, but it just isn’t getting COMPLETELY thorough to your heart? Of course, if it has to come thru my brain to process before going to my heart…maybe that is the problem, I feel like my brain isn’t functioning too well these days!!
Yes, I've had these seasons, too, Mary. We all do. If Scriptures are any indication from the Israelites to today, God always seasons in the wilderness. It is always to stretch our faith. Will we trust Him even when He chooses not to reveal Himself? I am praying for you right now that the reason for this desert will be fulfilled and you can begin to see and hear Him clearly again. In the meantime, walk by faith, sister!
Dear Sweet Mary, Your honesty and openness are so refreshing. You have no "agenda" with your post, just a heart felt message of where you find yourself at this moment. Sometimes, in the silence, I feel that God is wanting me to be still and reflect on Him. I think He is saying "there doesn't always have to be noise, you can sit and be silent in my presence and trust that in my silence, I am sovereign and I am on my throne." Thank you for praying for me today. I have been on the struggle bus! Have a wonderful trip and praying that your dad improves soon and is able to resume his normal activities. blessings ~a
Mary, This happens to me, also. Supposedly, these are the periods in which we make the most progress though it doesn't seem that way from our end 🙂 I guess it's kind of obvious that I'm going through the desert, too, from my posts lately. I usually have an easy time writing about what I feel the Lord speaking…but not lately. I know that the Holy Spirit is always hard at work, though!
I will pray for your dad.
Speaking of dry skin – my scalp is sunburned from the beach and peeling! Gross!
In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.
The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner
The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.
I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!
And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!
Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!
She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.
Born 6-9-1992
Died 6-12-1992
Buried 6-16-1992
That would be 31 years ago today.
Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.
This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.
I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.
I took a walk.
Got a pedicure.
Cried.
And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.
And I give myself permission to do nothing else.
I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.
John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.
I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.
A loss is a loss.
Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.
In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.
My heart still hurts.
I cry at random times.
And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.
I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.
The relationships.
The life events.
Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.
Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.
If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.
I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.
As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.
I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.
Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.
I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.
I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity. And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.
The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.
If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.
Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.
"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss." Blood From a Stone Adam McHugh Page 102
Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.
She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.
There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.
I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.
Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8
If I learned anything from this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13
Yes, I've had these seasons, too, Mary. We all do. If Scriptures are any indication from the Israelites to today, God always seasons in the wilderness. It is always to stretch our faith. Will we trust Him even when He chooses not to reveal Himself? I am praying for you right now that the reason for this desert will be fulfilled and you can begin to see and hear Him clearly again. In the meantime, walk by faith, sister!
Dear Sweet Mary,
Your honesty and openness are so refreshing. You have no "agenda" with your post, just a heart felt message of where you find yourself at this moment.
Sometimes, in the silence, I feel that God is wanting me to be still and reflect on Him. I think He is saying "there doesn't always have to be noise, you can sit and be silent in my presence and trust that in my silence, I am sovereign and I am on my throne."
Thank you for praying for me today. I have been on the struggle bus!
Have a wonderful trip and praying that your dad improves soon and is able to resume his normal activities.
blessings
~a
Praying for your Dad today.
Mary,
This happens to me, also. Supposedly, these are the periods in which we make the most progress though it doesn't seem that way from our end 🙂 I guess it's kind of obvious that I'm going through the desert, too, from my posts lately. I usually have an easy time writing about what I feel the Lord speaking…but not lately. I know that the Holy Spirit is always hard at work, though!
I will pray for your dad.
Speaking of dry skin – my scalp is sunburned from the beach and peeling! Gross!
Thank you everybody…for your prayers and kind thoughts. I believe God is working. AND…my Dad is supposed to go home tomorrow!!