Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.
Proverbs 3:5-7 (NIV)
Here I am again…trying to remember that I DO. NOT. KNOW. HIS. WAYS. I. AM. NOT. IN. CONTROL. How long do you think it will take me to GET IT????? On Friday, I woke up with a little sore throat, nothing serious I assumed it was allergies causing post nasal drip since so many people are saying the allergies are really bad this year. I am not usually bothered by allergies, but that made sense. Friday, I go about my day, including a job interview that went really well – they are supposed to make me an offer today. The first interview I have been on where I felt I REALLY wanted to work there. Saturday dawned and I didn’t feel much better, in fact, I felt significantly worse, but I wasn’t running a fever so I went on with my day. I hosted a party on Saturday night for about 40 people, had a great time and went straight to bed when the last ones left at midnight. John put a few things away, but not me! At 1:07 a.m. I woke up freezing and shaking uncontrollably! Obviously, I had a fever. John put so many blankets on the bed to get me warm that I couldn’t lift my legs to change position. I did take some aspirin and warmed up enough to get some sleep. Sunday morning, I could not go to church and when John came home, we went to the Redi Clinic; I do not have strep throat and it could be viral, but to err on the safe side, the nurse practitioner gave me an antibiotic. I felt significantly better in about 6 hours. I am feeling better again this morning, but I am feeling totally overwhelmed with this project at work and I desperately needed to get some work done on it yesterday, instead I rested all day.
Now…I said all that to give you background to say this: I am not in control. No matter how much I thought I HAD to get some things done yesterday, obviously I didn’t. The project is a conference that begins Friday at noon and ends Saturday at 5 p.m. for about 150 people. It is the type of thing for which many companies would hire an event planner…not so with my employer, they used me. Another item for a resume, I guess!
So, I need to “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” I need to phrase that “Trust in the Lord with all MY heart and lean not unto MY own understanding”…I don’t understand, but I have to believe that things will be OK. I have to believe and accept that I can only do so much, what gets done, gets done and what doesn’t will have to be OK. And in the end, I am sure it will be fine. That said – I still worry…a little bit. I not only need to adopt this thought for work, but for my thoughts about Andy as well. I do not know what is going on with him and in his life. All I can do is pray for him.
Lord, thank you for the weekend, the great party and the wonderful friends you have given John and me. Thank you for Andy and I thank you for the difficult times we go through when hopefully, we come out on the other side stronger, better people. Please give him some peace Lord and help me accept whatever your will is for his life. Please help him accept it too. Please help me have a productive day at work. Help me to remember trust You in ALL things and to remember that I do not know THE PLAN! Thank you for your many blessings in my life.
Once again it is Monday…I am thankful for
36. a good night sleep.
37. waking up feeling better.
38. a husband that did all the clean-up after the party.
40. warm blankets when I was shivering.
41. a son that is confused.
42. a clinic open on Sunday.
44. Ann @ A Holy Experience and all I have learned from her blog.
45. a good cup of coffee.
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She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.
That would be 31 years ago today.
Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.
This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.
I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.
I took a walk.
Got a pedicure.
And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.
And I give myself permission to do nothing else.
I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.
John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.
I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.
A loss is a loss.
Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.
In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.
My heart still hurts.
I cry at random times.
And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.
I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.
The life events.
Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.
Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.
If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.
I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.
As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.
I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.
Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.
I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.
I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity. And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.
The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.
If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.
Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.
"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss." Blood From a Stone Adam McHugh Page 102
Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.
She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.
There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.
I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.
Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8
If I learned anything from this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13
When I tell people that I am a VA (Virtual Assistant) often they want to know what I DO. And I tell them that I mostly deal with details. Managing the things (details) that creative people do not see themselves as “good at.” Budgets, remembering dates, creating schedules and timelines, gathering data and information, making sure they get paid, etc. A few years ago, I took on my first social media influencer client. And after working for 5 years with only faith-based clients, social media was a different world! I learned how to navigate that world and now my social media clients are among my favorites. In fact, I let go of most of my other clients to allow more time to work with the influencers. One of the faith-based clients I kept is @kriscamealy of @refineretreat
I have known Kris for 10 years and worked with her on Refine for, I don’t know…maybe 6. Kris recognizes the importance of rest and soul-care that enables us to create better and more meaningful content. Allows us to be more present for our families, clients, and our businesses.
Whether we are writing in our journal, painting on a canvas, creating paid content for a social media outlet, sitting at a pottery wheel, whatever the creative outlet we must tend to our souls. We must rest. We must learn to pause.
#Soulcare is not optional in this world in which we live. We must learn to stop so that we are able to go. We can run at a break-neck, full-tilt speed for a while but at some point, we will crash.
If you are looking for a way to slow down and take a weekend to care for yourself and your soul, check out @refineretreat. Maybe Refine isn’t for you. That is ok. But if you think this only applies to faith-based work, check out @lindsaynead ‘s post from April 19. Lindsay is an amazing businesswoman and she recognizes the power of slowing down. Of stopping. Of resting. She took a break and found herself better for it.