When one door closes, another opens;
but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.
Alexander Graham Bell
I got home Sunday evening from Allume and this is only the second time I have opened my computer. Susan sent me a text this week saying I needed to post, it had been a while!
Yes, it has been a while and you would think that after attending a blogging conference I would be FULL. TO. THE BRIM. with blog post ideas and great content.
Well, let me tell you…not so much.
You see, the Allume conference wasn’t all I thought it would be. Maybe I should say that it wasn’t all I thought it would be in the WAY that I thought it would be.
Frankly, on the day I left, I wished I wasn’t going. I have travelled a lot this year and when I got on that plane Wednesday morning it was the 28th time this year I have gotten on an airplane.
I was tired. And I was weary. And I wanted to stay home.
But, I gathered myself together and told myself it was going to be great. I just needed to get there.
While in the airport I wrote in my journal asking the Lord to reveal to me why I was attending the conference. I felt so dry. So parched. So without purpose or reason.
I saw Diane Bailey when I first arrived and we decided to go to dinner. Susan Stillwell was arriving momentarily and she joined us. That was good. Diane and Susan were already friends and they welcomed me into their relationship with open arms. I feel like I truly made two new friends. And they were a GOD SEND…believe me.
We spent a lot of time together during the weekend.
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| Diane, Susan and me |
But we did not spend ALL our time together. I branched out and ate with people I did not know a couple of times. I sat at tables with complete strangers. Yeah, I did that.
Before I left my room on Thursday morning, I prayed and ask the Lord again to reveal to me WHY I was at Allume. Part of me didn’t really WANT to be there, but I felt like I was SUPPOSED to be there.
Registration opened at noon on Thursday and I was scheduled to help with that. I had a few hours before noon on Thursday and since I broke my glasses on Wednesday night, I needed to get a new pair. While on my morning walk I had passed a drugstore so I walked down there to get a new pair. On my way back to the hotel I dropped into a coffee shop to grab a muffin and coffee. Diane and Susan were in there.
I joined them and during the conversation Susan said, “one of the hardest things for a Mother is letting go of our dreams for our children.”
Right then I got tears in my eyes. Her words went straight to my heart.
Was that why I was supposed to be at Allume?
Was that the reason I boarded that plane already tired and worn out?
So that I could be reminded that MY dreams were just that MY DREAMS?
There have been some closed doors in my life.
But I wonder if I have
missed open doors because I am spending
time regretting doors that have closed.
I am still processing all that happened during my time at Allume. It was not all good. I spent most of Friday an emotional wreck. I even spent several hours in my room. While there I wrote in my journal
“…trying to find my way in an ocean of bloggers….
I am struggling and feel so lost – like I don’t matter.
It has been a while since I have felt so “less than.”
Less than everyone else. Less than like my voice doesn’t matter.
Less than. Just useless.”
I went on to write a prayer giving it to the Lord, but I was a mess. And it took a long time to get over it.
In addition to Diane and Susan, Jacque and Denise were two more sisters that pulled me through that day.
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| Jacque, me and Denise |
I know that I am not alone in these feelings of “less than.” It happens to bloggers with much larger audiences and platforms than me. But it doesn’t change the fact that it happened to me. That I let the devil get in my head and tell me these things.
And I believed them…for a while anyway.
I returned to Susan’s words about letting go of my dreams for my child. There was gospel truth in her statement and I was going to have to wrestle with that.
And the Lord would reveal more to me the next day. There will be more tears, but less of them and not the “woe is me” kind of tears.
I am not sure when I will be able to write the rest of this story. I have to mull over some things, pray about some things and try to formulate the sentences…but I am praying that what I learned will come out on this blog in a way that is beneficial to others. In a way that lifts up the Lord and not in a way that makes people feel sorry for me or does anything other than shine a light on THE ONE that has his hand on the doors of my life.
Were you at Allume?
Was a door opened or closed for you while you were there?
Maybe you didn’t go, but a door has opened or closed.
Share your thoughts in the comments…please?
Until I can write more….
Blessings,
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I love hearing your authenticity. I SO often feel like you do when I head places–I want to change my mind and not go; I wonder why I decided to go in the first place; etc, etc. But God always has things to show me too, sometimes pleasant, sometimes not. ha. But things I need to know or experience. I'm sure he'll be redeeming all your experiences there, whether or not you even will understand it all in this season. I'm trying to close a door to having to understand everything….
Praying for you are you continue to work on releasing dreams you had for your kids. Not easy, my friend!
Sidenote:
Is that a new pic in your sidebar? You're so pretty!
Oh, Lisa…I so love you and your encouraging words. You are a friend and I hope we get to meet in real life someday! And yes, that is a NEW picture. I love it. Diane (the one in the post) took it. She is such a talented photographer.
This is such a great post, Mary! Transparent, authentic — REAL. It was so great to meet you at Allume, and I hope it's just the first of MANY adventures. What a blessing to hang out with you, and an honor that I would say something that rang in your heart. It's a lesson we'll continue throughout our lives 🙂
You are such a beautiful piece of the treasure God is unearthing from that weekend. Thank you sweet friend…and yes, I hope it is the first of many adventures too!
It makes me break on the inside to think of you alone in your room, feeling "less than." I do think we all go through that, and you know the topic of my book. So yes, this is a struggle I face, too.
But friend, I want you to take a good long look in the spiritual mirror and see Who's reflecting back. I see Christ in you. And that makes you more than … and then some.
I love you to pieces.
Oh, Jennifer, what encouraging words you are speaking into my soul. Thank you! You are such a special person and I can't wait to read that book that I've pre-ordered! 🙂
Thanks for sharing Mary. I've been hoping to read about your time at the conference. You may not yet know the reason you were there. As for closed doors and opened windows…yes, I've been there. It's hard though.
On a side note, I LOVE that picture of you on your side bar. You look fantastic!!!
I am hoping to process & be able to share more soon! I love that picture too…Diane took several and they were great!
I didn't go to the conference, I didn't get to meet you, and I'm not writing a book that will help many people but I can certainly relate to your post today and so appreciate the transparency in your words….It seem that I fall into this trap of "less" more than I would like to admit but slowly God is showing me that He is sufficient and that I am enough….I just have to keep my focus on Him……
He is sufficient and I am enough…I love those words Nancy. Thank you for sharing your heart.
This was a refreshing read. Thank you for being so open and honest. I'll be praying for you to begin reaping a harvest from your time at Allume.
I wasn't there this year, but I was in 2012. It was something I'd planned on and looked forward to since early that year. Then something happened and I was made to feel guilty for attending and it stole a lot of the joy that I had anticipated taking into that weekend. I am still not entirely sure what the purpose was for me going there — well, maybe that's not true. Some major things came out of that weekend, but the bad thing that tainted that weekend is still present in my life. I *know* I was there for a reason (the weekend saved me from having to endure something else I wasn't prepared for), I'm just not sure if I'll ever be certain what it was all about for me. Maybe it was a shelter.
I'm rambling now! Thank you for sharing. Just know that you are not alone or less than. You are loved.
Oh, Elizabeth, thank you…I am feeling loved these days. I am sorry you were robbed of the full joy and experience at Allume last year. I pray that whatever the issue that you will be able to make peace with it. Thank you for sharing a part of your story.
Hi Mary, I wish we had met at Allume. We have Susan in common as a friend, and what a dear she is! Any friend of Susan's is certainly a friend worth knowing. 🙂
My heart breaks like Jennifer's at the thought of you sitting alone at Allume. It can be so overwhelming to be amongst such a group. I was that girl for so many years, and I even nicknamed myself Wallpaper because I felt so invisible.
Having dreams for our children can be a real double-edged sword, I think. We want so much for them, yet we sometimes struggle with our vision vs theirs. I'll leave you with words from Max Lucado (which I drew from for a post on parenting and Ricochet the Dog):
Study your kids while you can. The greatest gift you can give your children is not your riches, but revealing to them their own.
Hi Kim, I wish we'd met too. I love Max and I have not read that quote, but I like it! Thank you. Nice to meet you…yes, Susan is a sweetheart.
Have you read the book, really a parable, about the Dream Giver (I think that is the name -Bruce Wilkenson). I may be off on all that Mary. But you can let Google figure it out. It is a short book but it about the "dreaming" process..I think you might really relate… I thinking you really did get what God wanted for you and you'll understand it more fully in the days to come. God bless you…
I think I read that book several years ago; maybe I need to go back and re-read it. I believe you are right, I did get what The Lord wanted me to get, it just wasn't how I envisioned it. Thank you for your thoughts.
I don't always comment but I am always eager to read everyone of your blogs; and love seeing them in my email inbox. This one hit home and brought tears to me! I so long to blog and have still yet to find courage! Mary, someday when I can, I would like to have a bonding weekend with you!
Oh, sweet Kathy!!! I would love to spend a weekend with you too. Someday, before you know it, you & Chris will be empty nesters and have all kinds of time! Hugs to you my friend,
Mary, I hopped over here from Susan's blog. Susan gave me a much needed boost this past week, too! Funny thing (or not so funny…) is that last year I was the one in my room at Allume feeling "less than." Why do we let ourselves get distracted and believe those awful lies? I love this post and your honest words. I am relieved to read them! Thank you!
Hi Karin, thanks for stopping by. Susan is a sweetheart, isn't she! I don't know why we let ourselves get distracted, but we sure do!! Trying to avoid it is something I am working on.
First of all, I've missed you! Secondly, I am so sorry you did not have the experience you desired at Allume. I know God had a purpose in you going. I pray He will reveal that soon. You have a heart of gold. I've been so encouraged by your writing, really. I am asking God to affirm your heart, your worth as a writer. You have so much to give. And, that new photo of you, absolutely gorgeous!
Thank you, Barbie! I appreciate your prayers. I truly don't know where the Lord is leading me with this space. Well, maybe I have an idea, but it is far from clear!
As for Allume, the Lord certainly used that time to work on me, but it wasn't he experience I was expecting. I so wish you could join me at a retreat or conference. It would be so fun to meet in person!!