I got home Sunday evening from Allume and this is only the second time I have opened my computer. Susan sent me a text this week saying I needed to post, it had been a while!
Yes, it has been a while and you would think that after attending a blogging conference I would be FULL. TO. THE BRIM. with blog post ideas and great content.
Well, let me tell you…not so much.
You see, the Allume conference wasn’t all I thought it would be. Maybe I should say that it wasn’t all I thought it would be in the WAY that I thought it would be.
Frankly, on the day I left, I wished I wasn’t going. I have travelled a lot this year and when I got on that plane Wednesday morning it was the 28th time this year I have gotten on an airplane.
I was tired. And I was weary. And I wanted to stay home.
But, I gathered myself together and told myself it was going to be great. I just needed to get there.
While in the airport I wrote in my journal asking the Lord to reveal to me why I was attending the conference. I felt so dry. So parched. So without purpose or reason.
I saw Diane Bailey when I first arrived and we decided to go to dinner. Susan Stillwell was arriving momentarily and she joined us. That was good. Diane and Susan were already friends and they welcomed me into their relationship with open arms. I feel like I truly made two new friends. And they were a GOD SEND…believe me.
We spent a lot of time together during the weekend.
Diane, Susan and me
But we did not spend ALL our time together. I branched out and ate with people I did not know a couple of times. I sat at tables with complete strangers. Yeah, I did that.
Before I left my room on Thursday morning, I prayed and ask the Lord again to reveal to me WHY I was at Allume. Part of me didn’t really WANT to be there, but I felt like I was SUPPOSED to be there.
Registration opened at noon on Thursday and I was scheduled to help with that. I had a few hours before noon on Thursday and since I broke my glasses on Wednesday night, I needed to get a new pair. While on my morning walk I had passed a drugstore so I walked down there to get a new pair. On my way back to the hotel I dropped into a coffee shop to grab a muffin and coffee. Diane and Susan were in there.
I joined them and during the conversation Susan said, “one of the hardest things for a Mother is letting go of our dreams for our children.”
Right then I got tears in my eyes. Her words went straight to my heart.
Was that why I was supposed to be at Allume?
Was that the reason I boarded that plane already tired and worn out?
So that I could be reminded that MY dreams were just that MY DREAMS?
There have been some closed doors in my life.
But I wonder if I have
missed open doorsbecause I am spending
timeregretting doors that have closed.
I am still processing all that happened during my time at Allume. It was not all good. I spent most of Friday an emotional wreck. I even spent several hours in my room. While there I wrote in my journal
“…trying to find my way in an ocean of bloggers….
I am struggling and feel so lost – like I don’t matter.
It has been a while since I have felt so “less than.”
Less than everyone else. Less than like my voice doesn’t matter.
Less than. Just useless.”
I went on to write a prayer giving it to the Lord, but I was a mess. And it took a long time to get over it.
In addition to Diane and Susan, Jacque and Denise were two more sisters that pulled me through that day.
I know that I am not alone in these feelings of “less than.” It happens to bloggers with much larger audiences and platforms than me. But it doesn’t change the fact that it happened to me. That I let the devil get in my head and tell me these things.
And I believed them…for a while anyway.
I returned to Susan’s words about letting go of my dreams for my child. There was gospel truth in her statement and I was going to have to wrestle with that.
And the Lord would reveal more to me the next day. There will be more tears, but less of them and not the “woe is me” kind of tears.
I am not sure when I will be able to write the rest of this story. I have to mull over some things, pray about some things and try to formulate the sentences…but I am praying that what I learned will come out on this blog in a way that is beneficial to others. In a way that lifts up the Lord and not in a way that makes people feel sorry for me or does anything other than shine a light on THE ONE that has his hand on the doors of my life.
Were you at Allume?
Was a door opened or closed for you while you were there?
Maybe you didn’t go, but a door has opened or closed.
Share your thoughts in the comments…please?
Until I can write more….
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