A few weeks ago I wrote about attending Refine Retreat and how there is beauty in our broken places. I have struggled with writing much about Refine and I have found that others who attended the retreat have also struggled. I am not sure if it is because the refining work being done in my life was is a bit painful, or if I am struggling to write about and process it, because I don’t fully understand it. In truth, it is probably a bit of both. I don’t fully understand and it is painful.
As I was reviewing my notes from the retreat I ran across this scripture referenced by Kris on the last day,
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
Better to be a doorkeeper in God’s house, than dwell where I don’t belong.
Better to obey God and do the terrifying, than to live in disobedience to Him.
But to obey, to do the terrifying is just that. TERRIFYING. At least sometimes it is terrifying.
The very last note I recorded from the weekend is this:
“HELD – song – when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive – Natalie Grant”
The last verse of the song is:
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
The sacred has been torn from my life. Just recently when my dad passed away, well, once again I felt like the sacred had been ripped from my life.
I believe this is where I am on this walk…on this journey. I am at a crossroads. I feel at times, like everything is falling. I need to be held. But I also need to do what I am being asked to do by Him. To obey is terrifying. To disobey is even more terrifying.
Lord, give me the courage to discern and obey.
I leave you with the video of the song by Natalie Grant. If you cannot see or play the video, you can find it here.
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Praying for you, Mary, as you continue to walk in obedience even when it's scary. May the Lord make it clear which direction you're to take at the crossroads. I know he will be faithful in giving you the grace you need all along the way. (It's sometimes easier to trust he'll do that for others than for myself! ha).
yes, it is always easier to trust he will do for someone else! 🙂
Mary you are a wise hearted woman. Most things God ask us to do has an element of fear to it. Without it we would jump into things with self confident. This is a lovely post, full of truth and insight. Blessings.
Betty, I am humbled by your comment. Thank you.
Grieving is a long journey … take care of yourself.
Fondly,
Glenda
Yes, it is Glenda. I still cry about Amy after 22 years…no wonder I still cry about my dad after 2 months. Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement.
I think it took me over a year to process my first real refinement, Mary. I can only imagine what you and the others are weeding through now…{HUGS} I'm so glad you could go….
It was a great experience. And I was so tired on the heels of March that it was truly an act of God that I went.
Thanks for sharing, Mary. You have been through so much, yet because of that "refining" you have become the friend I love so dearly. Catch a hug.
I caught it friend! Love you.
This song always moves me to tears. I know what it's like to be exhausted, like every step of your journey is met with pain. Praying you will find rest in His arms as you journey forward.
Thank you, Barbie…thank you so much.
This is what amazes me about Christa Wells' songwriting–she names such comfort in the midst of the hard places. I"m still thinking about Refine too, Mary. I loved seeing you there and getting to catch up. God spoke to me a lot about resting while I was there–more than in a physical way. So. I'm trying. Hugs to you, my friend.
Rest – Teri Lynne spoke about that at Refine and I am still reflecting on it. You know, I didn't realize Christa Wells wrote Held until recently. Thank you for stopping by Laura. You always bring a smile to my face.
Hi, Mary, you linked up ahead of me at Playdates. I'm so sorry for your losses. Although I can't speak from personal experience, by observation the loss of a child may be the worst sort. I, too, love that Natalie Grant song and feel the longing for comfort that sometimes becomes a temptation to disobey. You very wisely say, "To obey is terrifying. To disobey is even more terrifying." So well put and memorable!
No words can soothe your heart as you grieve. Only God really can, though He may use loved ones nearby as His instruments. So I pray He would. May He fill all your empty places with Himself and His love until you overflow. May He bring you opportunities to share that with people He has handpicked and fitted for you. Grace and peace to you in Christ Jesus.
I love that you used the word "handpicked" because He does do that! Thank you for stopping by and for your encouraging words.