A few weeks ago I wrote about attending Refine Retreat and how there is beauty in our broken places.  I have struggled with writing much about Refine and I have found that others who attended the retreat have also struggled.  I am not sure if it is because the refining work being done in my life was is a bit painful, or if I am struggling to write about and process it, because I don’t fully understand it.  In truth, it is probably a bit of both.  I don’t fully understand and it is painful.

As I was reviewing my notes from the retreat I ran across this scripture referenced by Kris on the last day,

Psalm 84:10
“Better is one day in your courts
    than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
    than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

Better to be a doorkeeper in God’s house, than dwell where I don’t belong. 

Better to obey God and do the terrifying, than to live in disobedience to Him.

But to obey, to do the terrifying is just that.  TERRIFYING.  At least sometimes it is terrifying.

The very last note I recorded from the weekend is this:

“HELD – song – when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive – Natalie Grant”

The last verse of the song is:

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour
Watching for our Savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held

The sacred has been torn from my life.  Just recently when my dad passed away, well, once again I felt like the sacred had been ripped from my life.

I believe this is where I am on this walk…on this journey.  I am at a crossroads. I feel at times, like everything is falling.  I need to be held.  But I also need to do what I am being asked to do by Him.  To obey is terrifying.  To disobey is even more terrifying. 

Lord, give me the courage to discern and obey.

I leave you with the video of the song by Natalie Grant.  If you cannot see or play the video, you can find it here.

I am joining with Michelle for Hear it on Sunday and with Laura for Playdates with God.

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