The last time
I wrote in this space it was 3 a.m. on the morning of February 21, 2014.
I couldn’t sleep and had been awake since before 2 a.m. I had to get up at 4 a.m. to catch a 6 a.m. flight to Little Rock, Arkansas by way of Chicago. I was headed to Arkansas to visit my parents and celebrate their birthdays (91 and 92) and their 70th wedding anniversary. All of these events had occurred during February. Six of the seven children would be in attendance and many of the 15 living grandchildren and 27 great grand children would make an appearance sometime during the weekend.
The trip to Arkansas was the most expensive I have had since I move out east 7 years ago. I wasn’t thrilled with the cost, but John encouraged me to go. I bit the bullet, purchased the plane ticket for a stay that would be less than 48 hours.
I arrived Friday afternoon, we celebrated on Saturday and I left early Sunday morning.
The following Tuesday morning, February 25th, after the last out of town sibling had left the previous night, my 92 year old dad had a stroke.
The following Tuesday, March 4 he took his last breath at 12:40 p.m. and crossed into the glorious mysterious of heaven into the waiting arms of his Saviour. I am convinced that in addition to being welcomed by the saints, he was met by his grandchildren, great grandchildren and son-in-law that pre-deceased him.
He walked the streets of gold with a clear head and for the first time in years, he was pain-free.
John and I left that afternoon. The drive is 18-19 hours. We would drive 9 hours before stopping and finish the drive the next day.
Others would fly or drive in later in the week with Andy and 2 more arriving on Sunday due to commitments that could not be changed.
We buried my Daddy on Monday, March 10th. It was a beautiful, sunny day. And while I am sad beyond what I thought possible, I am glad he is free.
He fell and fractured his pelvis on November 14, 2013. He was in and out of the hospital and rehab until Christmas Eve. My mother wanted to keep him home as long as possible and she was able to do that, thanks to my siblings in Arkansas and some private nursing that provided round-the-clock care.
He took his last breath in his own home.
While I have a gaping hole in my heart, I am thankful that
he did not suffer.
he knew people up until he lost consciousness, which was late in the week after the stroke.
he is free from pain.
he is in a place where I know I will see him again.
I spent that money for that short visit the end of February.
Jesus never promised skies always blue, but he did promise strength for the journey.
This journey I am on is not one I relish, but it is one that must be travelled. Losing a parent is much more difficult that I imagined. I am still crying at the drop of a hat yet, I have peace.
More than one person told my family, “what a great funeral.” We sang and celebrated the life of a great servant of the Lord.
I am blessed to have called him Daddy.
Friends, you sent flowers, texts, cards, letters and e-mails. You prayed for me and called me on the phone. Thank you…thank you more than you know.
As I ease back into this space, the path will be a bit rough. I have commitments that will take away from my writing. But I am coming back.
If you have lost a loved one, I encourage you to read this post by my friend, Susan Stillwell. She lost her mom about a month before I lost my dad. This post says it all.
This journey was difficult physically as well as emotionally. You are a daughter filled with love and I know he recognized this! You are still in my prayers, and I can't wait to see you again!.
I am so sorry, Mary, to hear of the loss of your sweet dad. He died on my mom's birthday. Perhaps she greeted him in heaven too. Grieving is hard work and I will pray for you as the Lord brings you to my mind.
In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.
The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner
The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.
I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!
And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!
Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!
She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.
Born 6-9-1992
Died 6-12-1992
Buried 6-16-1992
That would be 31 years ago today.
Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.
This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.
I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.
I took a walk.
Got a pedicure.
Cried.
And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.
And I give myself permission to do nothing else.
I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.
John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.
I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.
A loss is a loss.
Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.
In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.
My heart still hurts.
I cry at random times.
And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.
I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.
The relationships.
The life events.
Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.
Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.
If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.
I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.
As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.
I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.
Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.
I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.
I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity. And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.
The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.
If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.
Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.
"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss." Blood From a Stone Adam McHugh Page 102
Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.
She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.
There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.
I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.
Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8
If I learned anything from this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13
This journey was difficult physically as well as emotionally. You are a daughter filled with love and I know he recognized this! You are still in my prayers, and I can't wait to see you again!.
Oh, Diane…I just Love you!!!!! You are such an encouragement to me!
Such a sweet post Mary! Beth
Thank you, Beth! Love you friend.
I am so sorry, Mary, to hear of the loss of your sweet dad. He died on my mom's birthday. Perhaps she greeted him in heaven too. Grieving is hard work and I will pray for you as the Lord brings you to my mind.
Fondly,
Glenda
You know, Glenda, maybe she DID meet him at the gates!
Thankful for your thoughts and continuing to pray for you as you grieve…peace & comfort that you can't explain. Love you so.
I love you too, Jacque. It gets easier as the days go by, but sometimes I am still overwhelmed with grief. Thank you for the prayers friend.
Praying for you my friend!