Sometimes the noise in life gets so loud that we cannot hear God calling to us. The “busyness” of life gets so busy that we cannot feel him tugging on our heart. The things that cause us to worry and be anxious, get in the way. The things that bother me are probably no different than the things that bother you in your life…children, work, finances, too much to do in a day, weight that won’t go away – no matter how much I exercise and change my eating. Again, I am concerned about the same things that you are concerned about, so if you are kind enough to read this, I won’t go into detail, but I will tell you this…Psalm 46:1 is a favorite verse of mine. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” But I had never looked at the The Message translation
God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
the tremors that shift mountains.
Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.
Psalm 46:1-3 (The Message)
“…ready to help when we need him.” I am so glad that He is ready to help me, when I need him, ready to guide me, when I need him, ready to hold me, when I need him. The truth is…I ALWAYS need him and He is ALWAYS there. Pretty awesome! I am so glad that the Lord did not say, I will be there for you as long as you do…blah, blah, blah. As a human being, I will mess up and sometimes my mess up is a BIG mess up. Fortunately, He is always there. There is nothing He will not help me with, there is nothing He cannot or will not forgive. Once I am his child, there is nothing I can do separate myself from him. Thank you, Lord!
For I am convinced that neither death nor life,
neither angels nor demons,
neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,
neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation,
will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38 & 39
Who am I that He would care? Who am I that he would do that for me? I am His. And He is mine!
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
He is there for me and I am so glad that I am His…
Lord, thank you for always being there for me. For always caring, always guiding, always leading…at least when I let you. Thank you for this time that I have had to step back and take a deep breath…this time that, while painful, is an opportunity to grow, an opportunity to reflect on the fact that You will not leave me, nor forsake me…You will always care for me. Thank you Lord.
I hope this makes sense to you, dear friend. If not, I apologize, but it is what I needed to share today. It has been a rough week, the storms are not over, but now I can see that I must weather the storm to find the rainbow. Peace and blessings I wish for you…anything you want to share with me?
Great post! I've been praying through the psalms recently and I think it's finally makings some sense! I'm quite thickheaded sometimes. In response to your question about where I am stationed, I try not to put that out on the blog..but you can email me at k8yscarlettohara@yahoo.com. I'd love chat with ya via email.
I continue to pray for you, Mary. How wonderful to read of your taking refuge in the truths of His Word. May God continue to pour out His peace as only He can this coming week. 🙂
In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.
The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner
The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.
I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!
And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!
Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!
She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.
Born 6-9-1992
Died 6-12-1992
Buried 6-16-1992
That would be 31 years ago today.
Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.
This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.
I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.
I took a walk.
Got a pedicure.
Cried.
And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.
And I give myself permission to do nothing else.
I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.
John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.
I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.
A loss is a loss.
Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.
In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.
My heart still hurts.
I cry at random times.
And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.
I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.
The relationships.
The life events.
Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.
Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.
If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.
I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.
As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.
I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.
Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.
I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.
I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity. And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.
The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.
If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.
Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.
"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss." Blood From a Stone Adam McHugh Page 102
Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.
She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.
There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.
I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.
Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8
If I learned anything from this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13
Great post! I've been praying through the psalms recently and I think it's finally makings some sense! I'm quite thickheaded sometimes. In response to your question about where I am stationed, I try not to put that out on the blog..but you can email me at k8yscarlettohara@yahoo.com. I'd love chat with ya via email.
I continue to pray for you, Mary. How wonderful to read of your taking refuge in the truths of His Word. May God continue to pour out His peace as only He can this coming week. 🙂