There is construction going on outside my office. At the beginning of the semester it looked like this…
The site has gone from a pile of rocks and a hole in the ground to what is beginning to look like a skeleton of a building.
The steel beams are going up. The bones of the building. You can’t see it in this picture but there is a concrete block walls on one side.
The men (and woman – I saw once. In a pink hard hat!) doing the work are diligent. They work day in and day out. Carefully following the plans designed by the architects and engineers and drawn by the draftsmen.
It takes all kinds of people to make a project like this come together. Eventually, when the project is completed, these construction workers will move onto their next job and the staff and faculty of various programs and departments will move into their new space.
Sometimes, life is like that.
It takes all kinds of people to help us through something in our life…the construction worker.
Then they move on and other people move in. And start interacting with us.
My blogging has been sporadic at best lately. The words seem to move in and out weaving through my soul, but never seeming to take hold. Never shaping into a post.
My journal sits in the same place…day after day.
My prayer life has gotten all whacked out…and I don’t mean in a good way.
Like the construction workers, I need to follow the plans laid before me. I know what they are and if I don’t follow them, well…it won’t be pretty.
So, today, I resolve to have some quiet time. I’ve already done that. And spend some time in prayer…done that too.
The only way for me to get a handle on my lack of words is to get a handle on my Bible reading, my prayer time and writing in my journal. It sounds simple, but it isn’t. At least not for me.
But that is my plan. Besides, I promised my friend Diane Bailey a guest post next month, so I need to get writing!
One more thing…as we approach Thanksgiving next week here in the states, please take a moment and read this by Jennifer Dukes Lee. I know there are many, many causes out there to support, but this one really speaks to my heart. Maybe it will speak to yours too.
Do you have trouble following the plans laid before you?
Hi Mary! Gosh, I hate that your words have stagnated, but it makes me feel better here in my own little stagnant pond. Ahh how misery loves company!
But I hope to dig out from vacation and Allume and Guatemala this week. That'll be just in time to start on all the holiday preparations! And meanwhile, the blog sits still and the journal pages are blank… oh well. Tis the season 🙂
Mary, I know this place where you find yourself. I started working on my book a while back. It's finished now, but I feel depleted. I already had content on the blog, but just the entire process was exhausting and now I seem to only be skimming the surface in my writing. I long for the deeper waters.
Oh, Barbie…your writing is so beautiful. I just purchased your book…the first day has already blessed me so much. Thank you. It might be just what I need to get me moving in the right direction.
I am at the point of thinking of abandoning my blog. I am still not sure if this is what God wants me to do. I just have had a lot of dry periods. Yet, I have been doing what is most important and praying and spending time with God. Anyways, I can relate to your post so much. Pray for me?
She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.
Born 6-9-1992
Died 6-12-1992
Buried 6-16-1992
That would be 31 years ago today.
Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.
This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.
I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.
I took a walk.
Got a pedicure.
Cried.
And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.
And I give myself permission to do nothing else.
I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.
John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.
I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.
A loss is a loss.
Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.
In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.
My heart still hurts.
I cry at random times.
And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.
I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.
The relationships.
The life events.
Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.
Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.
If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.
I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.
As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.
I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.
Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.
I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.
I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity. And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.
The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.
If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.
Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.
"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss." Blood From a Stone Adam McHugh Page 102
Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.
She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.
There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.
I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.
Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8
If I learned anything from this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13
When I tell people that I am a VA (Virtual Assistant) often they want to know what I DO. And I tell them that I mostly deal with details. Managing the things (details) that creative people do not see themselves as “good at.” Budgets, remembering dates, creating schedules and timelines, gathering data and information, making sure they get paid, etc. A few years ago, I took on my first social media influencer client. And after working for 5 years with only faith-based clients, social media was a different world! I learned how to navigate that world and now my social media clients are among my favorites. In fact, I let go of most of my other clients to allow more time to work with the influencers. One of the faith-based clients I kept is @kriscamealy of @refineretreat
I have known Kris for 10 years and worked with her on Refine for, I don’t know…maybe 6. Kris recognizes the importance of rest and soul-care that enables us to create better and more meaningful content. Allows us to be more present for our families, clients, and our businesses.
Whether we are writing in our journal, painting on a canvas, creating paid content for a social media outlet, sitting at a pottery wheel, whatever the creative outlet we must tend to our souls. We must rest. We must learn to pause.
#Soulcare is not optional in this world in which we live. We must learn to stop so that we are able to go. We can run at a break-neck, full-tilt speed for a while but at some point, we will crash.
If you are looking for a way to slow down and take a weekend to care for yourself and your soul, check out @refineretreat. Maybe Refine isn’t for you. That is ok. But if you think this only applies to faith-based work, check out @lindsaynead ‘s post from April 19. Lindsay is an amazing businesswoman and she recognizes the power of slowing down. Of stopping. Of resting. She took a break and found herself better for it.
Hi Mary! Gosh, I hate that your words have stagnated, but it makes me feel better here in my own little stagnant pond. Ahh how misery loves company!
But I hope to dig out from vacation and Allume and Guatemala this week. That'll be just in time to start on all the holiday preparations! And meanwhile, the blog sits still and the journal pages are blank… oh well. Tis the season 🙂
VA hugs to you!
Yes, Susan…misery DOES love company! 🙂 I feel like there might be a small turn in the road ahead.
You are such a gift to me! How blessed I am that you and Diane were at Allume! Blessings to you my friend.
Mary, I know this place where you find yourself. I started working on my book a while back. It's finished now, but I feel depleted. I already had content on the blog, but just the entire process was exhausting and now I seem to only be skimming the surface in my writing. I long for the deeper waters.
Oh, Barbie…your writing is so beautiful. I just purchased your book…the first day has already blessed me so much. Thank you. It might be just what I need to get me moving in the right direction.
Praying for you sweet friend.
I am at the point of thinking of abandoning my blog. I am still not sure if this is what God wants me to do. I just have had a lot of dry periods. Yet, I have been doing what is most important and praying and spending time with God. Anyways, I can relate to your post so much.
Pray for me?