What I learned in June…

by Mary Bonner | Jun 29, 2013 | Uncategorized | 20 comments

Monterey, California, March 2013

I am writing a rare weekend post. I’m joining Emily for a link-up about what I learned in June.

June is always hard for me. Amy died 21 years ago this June.

1. I learned (again) that I will survive.

2. I was reminded (again) that Lord cares about the little things. Like a dress for the wedding.

3. I love books on tape when making a road trip with Andy.

4. My favorite Italian restaurant is still in St. Louis.

5. I learned the Lord will meet me…right where I am and carry me, when I can’t walk any further.

6. I learned that the interior of Maine is beautiful.

7. And that moose stand in the middle of the road.

8. That after 30 years and 2 months, I am still in love with my best friend.

9. It is cold in Maine the first week of June! Glad I was prepared.

10. That being honest on this blog can sometimes be really hard. But the Lord blessed my honesty and transparency.

Click here to read other posts about what people learned in June.

Also, if you are looking for some gifts, then please check out the

Blessings Unlimited Clearance Sale. Click on the link, then click shop.

This sale has been extended until July 31. The 1000 Gifts Journal is only $6.00.

The Blessings Blocks are only $25.00! Many of the greeting card sets are on sale….check it out and save some bucks!

20 Comments

caroline on June 29, 2013 at 1:05 pm

I have always wanted to go to Maine & see a moose! Now I know to pack warm clothes 🙂
Reply
- Mary Bonner on June 30, 2013 at 2:30 am
  
  I'm told it was unseasonably cold for the first week of June, but it was cold!
  Reply
Mel on June 29, 2013 at 3:53 pm

This post brought tears to my eyes…I'm so thankful for a Father who carries us through the heartbreaks of life and then gives us so many reasons to celebrate, too. Thank you for this piece of your heart, friend. Just beautiful. 🙂
Reply
- Mary Bonner on June 30, 2013 at 2:31 am
  
  The Father who carries me is the only reason I've made it this far!
  Reply
Nancy on June 29, 2013 at 8:07 pm

So heartfelt. I love your transparency; you are such an inspiration to all of us.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on June 30, 2013 at 2:31 am
  
  Oh, Nancy…you are such an encouragement to me! Thank you.
  Reply
Becky on June 29, 2013 at 8:20 pm

Coming over from Chatting at the Sky. Thanks for sharing your list! I can see this list is from your heart and it touched mine!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on June 30, 2013 at 2:31 am
  
  Glad it touched you, Becky.
  Reply
Mandy on June 30, 2013 at 6:19 pm

What a fun, beautiful trip, Mary! I'm glad tomorrow kicks off a new month for you, and I hope it is filled with joy and blessings!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on July 1, 2013 at 7:17 pm
  
  Thank you, Mandy! I wish those things for you too!
  Reply
GLENDA CHILDERS on June 30, 2013 at 8:56 pm

Ah … sweet Amy would be 21. Will you always think of her as a baby?

Mary, such treasure you have laid up in heaven.

Fondly,
Glenda
Reply
- Mary Bonner on July 1, 2013 at 7:18 pm
  
  You know, Glenda, I don't know. Most of the time I think of her as a baby, other times (usually when I see someone about her age) I wonder what she would be like as a young adult. John says he doesn't think of her as a baby. And he hasn't for a long time. Interesting question.
  Reply
faithcounts on June 30, 2013 at 9:35 pm

So what is your favorite Italian restaurant in St Louis? I was there at the end of May, and went to the Spaghetti Factory, which I really like. Once I went to an Italian place on the Hill that was great, but i don't remember the name. My favorite place in St Louis is the Missouri Botanical Gardens! If you have never been there, you have to go the next time you are in St Louis.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on July 1, 2013 at 7:19 pm
  
  Ah, yes, the botanical gardens. They are lovely. I lived there for 25 years. My favorite restaurant is on The Hill and it is called Gian Tony's. It is at the corner of Macklind and Daggett, across from Berra Park.
  Reply
Lisa notes... on July 1, 2013 at 3:57 pm

Your June with Amy is my November with Kali. Yes, still hard, after all these years. This November would have been Kali's 20th birthday.

And this:
"5. I learned the Lord will meet me…right where I am and carry me, when I can't walk any further."
He showed up as a NYC cab driver when I was SO tired of walking and just wanted to sit down and cry. 🙂 My blessed husband insisted, even though I felt guilty about it.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on July 1, 2013 at 7:20 pm
  
  I will try to remember you in November, Lisa. I am not sure it gets easier…just different. It can get very tiring walking in NYC. I wish I'd known you were there!
  Reply
Karrilee Aggett on July 1, 2013 at 9:44 pm

I love the things you learned in June! What a blessing to learn (and remember, and relearn!) that you are married to your best friend! (Me too…) I stopped by from Emily's today… what a great link up!

Blessings!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on July 16, 2013 at 11:11 am
  
  Hi Karriee! Not sure how this comment slipped by me, but I'm glad you stopped by! Thank you. Being married to my best friend is one of life's greatest blessings. Glad you know that feeling!
  Reply
Grace on July 16, 2013 at 5:27 am

Hello Mary. New to your blog. From the research I've done about Maine it has made me want to visit. It is beautiful plus Maine gets all four seasons. If the company my husband works for ever were to open an office in Maine I would totally want to move there at least for a few years. Love your pictures by the way.
Blessings.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on July 16, 2013 at 11:13 am
  
  Hi Grace, thank you for stopping by. Maine was a great experience. We had been to the coast before. Acadia Nat'l Park, Bar Harbor…but the interior is very different. I would highly recommend a trip there if possible.
  Reply

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In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

May 9

Open

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn't post it because I didn't like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I'm reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I'm grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I'm grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor