Several years ago I stopped trying to plan and prepare for this time of year. This week specifically. The week of June 9th is always hard for me. For several years, I would plan and try to think of ways to “get through” this week.
Not any more. It just doesn’t work. No matter what my plan or idea, I am still sad. Still teary eyed. Still just blah.
I was pleasantly surprised on Monday of this week, the 9th of June. I had an incredibly good day. Few tears. Actually none, until the evening. It was probably because I was so busy doing laundry from the 11 day road trip from which I had just returned.
Whatever, today – the day she died – dawns grey and cloudy. So unlike the day she died 22 years ago. Or the day she was buried.
I’ve come a long way in the last 22 years. A good writer/blogger would share some of the changes I’ve made, but today I just want to ramble.
Scattered, mismatched thoughts to match scattered, mismatched and lost dreams.
Five days ago, John and I returned from 11 days out west. We visited Arches National Park and Capitol Reef National Park in Utah and spent a week in southwest Colorado with my sister and her family.
The red rocks seem to stretch as high as the sky. And the sky at times is so blue it looks like Hawaiian ocean water or the blue of the Caribbean. In my journal I wrote something about the sky being bluer in Colorado and out west than anywhere else.
This was a well thought out trip and John had several months of planning invested.
It was worth it.
At one point in Capitol Reef National Park there was a section called Tapestry Wall.
My photograph does not do justice to the vastness of the rock wall.
It does not do justice to the varied colors of the rocks, but I couldn’t help but think, as I stood gazing, at the rocks that I know the artist.
I know the designer of the tapestry.
I know the design he created for my life included a little girl that I would have in my womb for just over nine months and in my arms for a much shorter time.
He created a design unique for me and my family.
And he created that design to honor Him.
This morning I wanted to have my quiet time, but my heart was just aching. I thought, “I’ll just read Sarah Young’s Jesus Calling.”
The first line of today’s reflection is, “Let me help you get through this day.”
That was all I needed to read to remember that He is all I need.
To remember that He designed my tapestry.
To remember that He is there, waiting for me to fall into his arms and let him carry me.
The tapestry of my life includes knots and broken threads. But I know that He is weaving something that will be exactly what it is supposed to be.
And, in the end, it will be perfect.
That makes me smile…even today.
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Let me help you get through this day." Oh my, I needed this today. Its been a very rough week. One that should be brining lots of joy & excitement since its our anniversary week & 2 kids birthdays, but its been a weary one. A very weary one. A heavy heart kind of week. And I can't quite explain it… God is still good. Blessings to you! May you feel His strong hand carry you today & throughout this week.
Praying for you during this weary week.
Is that a picture of Amy? How valuable! She's beautiful!
Sometimes I'm surprised on Nov 13 that I get through the day easier than expected, but then yes, there's always a point where the dam breaks. I know that's okay and normal and probably good, but it does still hurt.
This is so good, friend:
"The tapestry of my life includes knots and broken threads. But I know that He is weaving something that will be exactly what it is supposed to be. And, in the end, it will be perfect. That makes me smile…even today."
Having you as my friend makes me smile today.
Yes, Lisa, it is a picture of Andy and Amy taken the day she died. She died in my arms a few hours later. And yes, it is both valuable and precious.
I know you understand how precious.
Hi Mary! Wow, God is so good. He knew how much you needed support and led you right to that book.
I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how much it still hurts. I pray that the Lord brings you through every day with his love and gentle hands.
Your vacation sounds wonderful. I love Colorado. My sister lives there, so I know what you mean about those skies.
I'm sure I don't appreciate my Designer very well. I get itchy and unsure about my life direction. Prayer really helps. And I do love Jesus Calling. It's one of my favorites.
God bless you,
Ceil
Hi Ceil, I love Colorado too and we are hoping to spend time there when my husband retires. Appreciating the Designer has been a journey for me and I get itchy too sometimes!
Love you, friend–
You are so precious. Thank you.
"The tapestry of my life includes knots and broken threads. But I know that He is weaving something that will be exactly what it is supposed to be." YES! I am praying your heart is encouraged. You've walked a hard journey but I know God has been with you ever step of the way.
Barbie, thank you for your encouraging words my friend!
You are an amazing woman, Mary Bonner! You love with joy and you love through pain. The love you have for your For your family and for friendship is rich. I love you, friend. Though you still mourn in your heart, you bring joy wherever you go.
I so love you Diane Bailey! You are such a blessing in my life!
Beautiful, Mary. Your life is a work of art. Hugs to you.
Mary ~ how beautiful a picture you painted today. It's good to let yourself see that tapestry. It reminds us our healed spots are still beautiful. Bless your heart.
Praying for you this week.