This past weekend I attended Refine Retreat hosted by Kris Camealy in Ohio. Friday night Kris opened the retreat with a lovely photo of open hands and told us to expect the unexpected.
Truthfully, I had no expectations. I knew I was tired and wanted to rest. Kris had built plenty of personal time into the schedule. It worked well for me.
We talked about brokenness and shame. How shame can be like “duct tape that binds us up and keeps us from living.”
I can’t begin to process it all in these first couple of days, but one thing that stood out was that Jesus will take our brokenness.
Jesus will take our shame.
He will cover it with his blood and redeem us.
Our cracks will be filled and we will be redeemed.
On Saturday afternoon there was an art journaling session. This beautiful piece of art was created by Annie Barnett, one of the attendees. She explained to us about the Japanese art of Kintsugi. How broken pottery is repaired with gold and them becomes more valuable after the repair.
As humans, we want to hide our flaws. Not only from ourselves and others, but sometimes I want to hide mine from Jesus too. Like he can’t see them! Yet, he created us. He created ALL of us…even our flaws.
Jesus sees the beauty in us. He sees the beauty even in our brokenness. Maybe in spite of our brokenness. Or because of our brokenness?
I don’t have the deep answer, but I know I am loved. And while I am not flawless, I am being redeemed on a daily basis through the refining process of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross.
And you are loved. And if you know Jesus, then you are also being redeemed.
Music for the weekend was provided by Christa Wells and Nicole Witt. There album More Than Rubies has a beautiful song called Image of God. The song speaks to our brokenness.
Our brokenness…our pieces…our fragments…our discoloration…all brought to Jesus and he makes us His.
His – in His image.
His – in His time.
His – in His way.
Lord, may be embrace the fragments and pieces of our lives that make us yours.
May we learn to accept that refining is a process and takes time.
There is much more that I need to process and want to share. Teri Lynne Underwood was also a speaker at the retreat. If you have not met her or do not read her blog, run…don’t walk to check her out! More on what she had to say later. But as a teaser…Rest is a blessing, but what if the gift of rest is what we give, not what we receive? You can also read more about the weekend from Laura’s perspective.
May our day be filled with unexpected blessings that remind us
that there is beauty in our broken places.
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I'm so glad you had a beneficial trip, Mary! I knew you would.
This really speaks to me today: "How broken pottery is repaired with gold and then becomes more valuable after the repair." I'll have to think on that. Even MORE valuable. Wow.
Oh, friend….if you only knew how deeply your words touched me. There is no way for me to put into words how you reached in and hugged my heart. thank you!
I'm glad it was such a good retreat for you. It sounds like it was wonderful. The message about beauty in the broken is such a powerful one that we all need to be reminded of.
Mary, I'm so glad you included the video of that song. The music was such a sweet place for me. And when you sang to us? So beautiful and precious. One of my favorite moments from the weekend. I'll never forget it. Love to you, lady.
Dear Laura, what a precious gift it was to me to get to spend time with you! Image of God was a perfect song for me to encounter! And the song I sang…well, that was ALL God, not me. So glad it was meaningful to you.
Wow, I am so thankful you got to go, and be refreshed at Refine. I want to position my heart to receive the unexpected blessings from God that He has for me!
She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.
Born 6-9-1992
Died 6-12-1992
Buried 6-16-1992
That would be 31 years ago today.
Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.
This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.
I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.
I took a walk.
Got a pedicure.
Cried.
And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.
And I give myself permission to do nothing else.
I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.
John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.
I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.
A loss is a loss.
Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.
In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.
My heart still hurts.
I cry at random times.
And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.
I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.
The relationships.
The life events.
Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.
Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.
If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.
I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.
As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.
I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.
Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.
I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.
I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity. And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.
The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.
If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.
Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.
"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss." Blood From a Stone Adam McHugh Page 102
Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.
She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.
There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.
I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.
Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8
If I learned anything from this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13
When I tell people that I am a VA (Virtual Assistant) often they want to know what I DO. And I tell them that I mostly deal with details. Managing the things (details) that creative people do not see themselves as “good at.” Budgets, remembering dates, creating schedules and timelines, gathering data and information, making sure they get paid, etc. A few years ago, I took on my first social media influencer client. And after working for 5 years with only faith-based clients, social media was a different world! I learned how to navigate that world and now my social media clients are among my favorites. In fact, I let go of most of my other clients to allow more time to work with the influencers. One of the faith-based clients I kept is @kriscamealy of @refineretreat
I have known Kris for 10 years and worked with her on Refine for, I don’t know…maybe 6. Kris recognizes the importance of rest and soul-care that enables us to create better and more meaningful content. Allows us to be more present for our families, clients, and our businesses.
Whether we are writing in our journal, painting on a canvas, creating paid content for a social media outlet, sitting at a pottery wheel, whatever the creative outlet we must tend to our souls. We must rest. We must learn to pause.
#Soulcare is not optional in this world in which we live. We must learn to stop so that we are able to go. We can run at a break-neck, full-tilt speed for a while but at some point, we will crash.
If you are looking for a way to slow down and take a weekend to care for yourself and your soul, check out @refineretreat. Maybe Refine isn’t for you. That is ok. But if you think this only applies to faith-based work, check out @lindsaynead ‘s post from April 19. Lindsay is an amazing businesswoman and she recognizes the power of slowing down. Of stopping. Of resting. She took a break and found herself better for it.
So thankful you came, Mary. I know without question God gave you what only He knew you needed. I can't stop praising Him for that. Love you!!
He did, Kris! YES! He did. I am so thankful you walked this faith walk!
I'm so glad you had a beneficial trip, Mary! I knew you would.
This really speaks to me today: "How broken pottery is repaired with gold and then becomes more valuable after the repair."
I'll have to think on that. Even MORE valuable. Wow.
I know, Lisa…more valuable. It makes me think too.
My precious friend … how I love you! I am praying for you still … for rest and healing. Your hugs and words and presence were gifts to me.
Oh, friend….if you only knew how deeply your words touched me. There is no way for me to put into words how you reached in and hugged my heart. thank you!
xo
seriously
Yes!
Loved meeting you this weekend, Mary. Your song was one of my favorite parts of the weekend!
Elizabeth, it was so nice meeting you too! I've been praying for your daughter.
I'm glad it was such a good retreat for you. It sounds like it was wonderful. The message about beauty in the broken is such a powerful one that we all need to be reminded of.
Oh, Kathleen, it was SO wonderful. I'm so glad I went.
Mary, I'm so glad you included the video of that song. The music was such a sweet place for me. And when you sang to us? So beautiful and precious. One of my favorite moments from the weekend. I'll never forget it. Love to you, lady.
Dear Laura, what a precious gift it was to me to get to spend time with you! Image of God was a perfect song for me to encounter! And the song I sang…well, that was ALL God, not me. So glad it was meaningful to you.
Wow, I am so thankful you got to go, and be refreshed at Refine. I want to position my heart to receive the unexpected blessings from God that He has for me!