When you can’t see the end…

by Mary Bonner | May 22, 2013 | Uncategorized | 16 comments

This was one of the views as I drove up the mountain. When I reached my destination,
I sat quietly in my car by the side of the road. Waiting. I was picking John after he had completed a 62 mile bike ride that included at 7100 foot climb. (He is training to bike Pike’s Peak in September.)

As I sat there playing Candy Crush on my iPad I couldn’t help but listen to the quiet. The only sound I heard was the birds.

The sky was blue.

The leaves bright spring green.

The sun was shining.

There was no one around expect me.

Occasionally a light fog would roll thru, then it would pass and the sun would be shining again.

I waited for 15-20 minutes. One car and three motorcycles went by.

On the drive up the mountain it had been exceptionally foggy. At times, this was all I could see.

As I sat waiting, it seemed strange. Sometimes, things were perfectly clear. At other times, not so much.

I was reminded of the times in my life that things were not so crystal clear. What good could possibly come out of such foggy times?

Like the time we had a garage fire and burned up our cars and everything in the garage. (It was attached to the house.) Thankfully, the house didn’t burn down.

Like the time when Amy died.

Times that seemed so dark. So distant from Him. Times that made it seem like there was nothing that could redeem the bad.

I pray for those in Oklahoma today. I think they may feel this way. That there is no good that can come out of it. And it is OK to feel that way.

But when you can’t see his hand, trust his heart.

I’m joining Jennifer today

16 Comments

Kathy Schwanke on May 22, 2013 at 10:47 pm

Oh my! I've looked at that Pikes Peak bike trip (Is it Leadville?) it looks so very challenging!

And I know what you mean about the fog and how God does manage bring such life out of dark places. It astounds me!

Love your photos!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on May 23, 2013 at 5:26 pm
  
  Thank you, Kathy. Pike's Peak is outside Colorado Springs.
  Reply
Mia De Vries on May 22, 2013 at 11:14 pm

Dear Mary
My heart goes out to you all in the USA with this terrible tragedy! Our Pappa God specializes in bringing beauty out of ashes and strength out of weakness! Praying with you for these poor folk.
Blessings
Mia
Reply
- Mary Bonner on May 23, 2013 at 5:27 pm
  
  He does specialize in bringing beauty out of ashes, doesn't he? Thank you for stopping by.
  Reply
Floyd on May 23, 2013 at 1:25 am

"But when you can't see his hand, trust his heart." Well said. It matters not what's on the other side of that fog that we can't see through… our Father is in it and on the other side of it… and revering Him is where we find rest this side of perfect peace. Awesome post and heart for those that are suffering…

That reminds me of when I used to pick up my wife after her bike rides. The Tour De Tucson was her last… I'm better on a stationary one!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on May 23, 2013 at 5:27 pm
  
  I'm not a serious bike rider…not even a stationary one!
  Reply
Lisa notes... on May 23, 2013 at 12:59 pm

A 62 mile bike ride??? Yikes!

I know those dark times you're talking about. Yes, when you lost Amy–and when I lost Kali. The fog was so thick that I couldn't feel any comfort from God. But so thankful that he was sitting there with me in my sorrow, even when I couldn't see him.

Thanks for sharing this, Mary. I know it will bless many. There's been so many heartbreaking things happening of late and we need to be reminded there is always Hope.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on May 23, 2013 at 5:28 pm
  
  Thick fog…is can be so uncomfortable.
  Reply
Dianne on May 23, 2013 at 2:07 pm

Beautiful post, Mary–so touching and heartfelt.

Praying for the dear folks in Oklahoma.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on May 23, 2013 at 5:28 pm
  
  Thank you, Dianne. Praying for your loved ones in Oklahoma.
  Reply
Betty on May 23, 2013 at 3:05 pm

Mary, this is exactly how I have been seeing lately. Cannot see the outcome of something I am praying about. Yet I have a peace that should not be there for more hurt could come when the fog lifts. I know God is with me in the fog for He loves me so even when my frailness is evident. Great post sister.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on May 23, 2013 at 5:30 pm
  
  Thank you, Betty.
  Reply
Jennifer @ JenniferDukesLee.com on May 23, 2013 at 4:46 pm

"But when you can't see his hand, trust his heart."

Oh Mary … thank you. For every hurt we every face, this.is.it.

Much love and appreciation for you. Thank you for contributing to the #TellHisStory community.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on May 23, 2013 at 5:31 pm
  
  Thank you, Jennifer. I have had to cling to this often in my life.
  Reply
Kathy Schwanke on May 23, 2013 at 7:26 pm

Thanks for stopping over to my blog Mary! It is nice to connect with sisters 'in the same phase' if you know what I mean…the ones who suddenly need readers and whose heart-cords are stretched tight with the chicks leaving the nest. {but who also feel as if somewhere a decade was lost because I still think I am in my 30's}
🙂
Reply
Dolly @Soulstops on May 25, 2013 at 12:08 am

Mary,
I love this line about how when we can't see His hand, we can trust His heart…and "trust" is my 2013 word…how I need His grace to trust fully…great insights…thank you 🙂
Reply

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In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

May 9

Open

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn't post it because I didn't like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I'm reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I'm grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I'm grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor