When you don’t appreciate them enough…

by Mary Bonner | Jul 27, 2015 | Uncategorized | 10 comments

“I have a good husband, but I don’t appreciate him enough.” Alice* uttered these words while hanging out with a group of women from work.

We were talking about husbands. Sally* is in the process of getting a divorce and Carol* had just said what a wonderful husband she had. Carol went on to say that she had been fortunate enough to have two good husbands because she had been widowed 20 years earlier at age 33.

Then I said, “I know I have a good husband. And if I ever forget Sally* is quick to remind me!”

Sally said, “Mary’s husband is kind, has a good sense of humor, is considerate, nice…” She continued rattling off my husband’s good qualities.

That is when Alice said what she said…”I have a good husband, but I don’t appreciate him enough.”

I know Sally is right,
but I wonder if I fall into the same category as Alice. I know I do
not tell my husband that I appreciate his good qualities. I don’t tell him thank you for being a caring husband. For being a godly example to our son. For always putting me and others before himself. I don’t tell him thank you…at least not as often as I should.

We have been married for 33 and there is no one that I would rather spend time with than my husband. Truly. We enjoy good conversation, a nice bottle of wine, a walk in the neighborhood, sitting outside enjoying the weather. We love to have a entertain whether it is a small dinner party with a total of 4 people or a party for 40…it doesn’t matter what we do, we just enjoy being together. (And he is great a cooking and cleaning up after the party!)

Still…I don’t say thank you for all he does. For all he IS.

It is easy to get in a rut. Easy to slip into “auto” mode where we go through our days without really talking. Without doing more than a peck on the lips and an “I love you” in passing. I no longer have kids at home and it happens to me. I can only imagine what happens in marriages where there are kids, soccer practice, dance lessons, school activities, piano lessons, church activities…the list goes on.

John and I try to make each other a priority, but sometimes we fail.

A few years ago I read Praying God’s Word for Your Husband by Kathi Lipp. I even did a book study on it with some women from my church. All of the women that read the book and participated said it made a difference. Maybe I need to read it again.

*not their real names
affiliate links in this post

10 Comments

Kathleen on July 27, 2015 at 10:26 pm

I'm with you, Mary, on two points. John IS great. He totally ROCKS.
And, I feel the same as you with the whole "not appreciating my husband enough" thing. You bring up a good point about it being a good idea to read that book again. Maybe I will! I kept it for that very reason.
Great pictures of you all, by the way.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on July 30, 2015 at 11:10 pm
  
  Thanks, Kathleen…but don't tell John!! He'll be too hard to live with! 🙂
  Reply
Elizabeth Dianne on July 28, 2015 at 12:04 am

Dear Mary, first of all I am wondering how your dear mom is doing–and I loved this post–very gentle but very convicting for me–I am going to do a better job especially this week of letting my husband know just how much I appreciate him. Friday, the 31st, he will have taken care of me for 50 years! Thank you for a sweet post–

P.S. Sometimes it irritates me (LOL) but I have many people telling me of all the great qualities my husband possesses also–
Reply
- Mary Bonner on July 30, 2015 at 11:11 pm
  
  Dianne, my mom is doing well. Thank you. Happy Anniversary!! 50 years!! That is so awesome!! My parents were married 70 years on Feb. 13, 2014..just a few weeks before my dad passed away. What an awesome testimony 50 years is!
  Reply
Andrew on July 28, 2015 at 4:51 am

My wife almost never gives words of appreciation. But, Mary…it's OK.

I take it on faith. I threw my heart over that fence when I said "I do", and it's up to me to live the vow, overt appreciation or no.

http://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2015/07/your-dying-spouse-35-homebound.html
Reply
- Mary Bonner on July 30, 2015 at 11:12 pm
  
  Andrew…I think you are probably a pretty special guy!
  Reply
Kathy H on July 28, 2015 at 11:26 am

I love seeing photos of you ans John together. You both are beautiful!! Great role models!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on July 30, 2015 at 11:12 pm
  
  Thanks, Kathy. I must say most of these pictures are a couple of years old. I have long hair now!
  Reply
Diane Bailey on July 28, 2015 at 9:06 pm

I can be guilty of the same. I have a really good husband, but I don't think I let him know as often as I should. Thank you for the reminder, Mary.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on July 30, 2015 at 11:13 pm
  
  What a pleasant surprise friend! So happy you stopped by…I know how busy you are these days. Hug Joseph…he's a special guy!
  Reply

I'd love to hear your thoughts!Cancel reply

Meet Mary

Social Media

Get Updates

Instagram Fun

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

May 9

Open

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn't post it because I didn't like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I'm reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I'm grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I'm grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor