Where is my attention?

by Mary Bonner | Feb 19, 2014 | Uncategorized | 10 comments

I need to focus my attention on following Jesus…

This photo is of today’s quote from a perpetual calendar I have on my desk. It is from DaySpring (not an affiliate link) and I got it in my swag bag from one of the Allume Conferences or the Jumping Tandem Retreat…doesn’t matter where I got it, but the words matter a great deal.

I need to focus my attention on following Jesus…

Yesterday, I wrote that I am clinging to a promise. And I am trying to follow Jesus, but in this particular case, it is hard.

But he never said it would be easy. So I have to trust him.

I listened to a podcast last night by Kat Lee. I cannot direct you to the specific podcast because I listened to several and I can’t remember if it was from her blog Inspired to Action or How They Blog. But she talked about being focused and having a plan with your Bible study, with your day, with your blogging, with your exercise…just a plan.

So, I was giving thought to my Bible study and how I might improve my quiet time. It needs some serious improvement.

I was looking thorough some ideas on my YouVersion Bible App and saw one that said Confidence. It spoke to me.

I need confidence to share what the Lord is asking me to share in this space.

I need to focus my attention on following Jesus…

The first scripture in this study was from Joshua.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your

God will be with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

He isn’t ASKING Joshua not to be afraid or discouraged. He COMMANDED him.

If he is asking me to do something, then he will be there. Just as he was with Joshua when he led the children of Israel into the Promised Land.

I need to focus my attention on following Jesus. Following him without being afraid.

This will not be easy. The devil will try to get in my head and tell me my words don’t matter. No one wants to read my story.

Crystal Stine has a great post about this…when you wonder if it’s worth the effort.

So, I am treading lightly. I am walking out on the water with my eyes on Jesus. He will get me through this time of rough waters.

But it will take courage and I am sure that I don’t have enough of that…but I know he does.

Is he asking you to do something hard?

Something you don’t want to do?

How are you answering him?

I am in community with Jennifer, Angie and Laura.

10 Comments

Tresta @ Sharp Paynes on February 19, 2014 at 3:08 pm

You were created according to His purpose, Mary – let that be your confidence! (talking to myself, here, too.) Thank you for sharing your words and being courageous.
Reply
- Mary Bonner on February 20, 2014 at 12:05 am
  
  Thank you, Tresta…yes! that should be my confidence.
  Reply
Karrilee Aggett on February 19, 2014 at 4:36 pm

I love this Mary! It resonates with me as I believe we are collectively entering a season that God is stirring us up to no longer let fear stop us! As Lisa-Jo Baker said last week, 'scared is the new brave'… (and I love that we have the same calendar… reading the same little bits of encouragement on a daily basis!) Visiting from Jennifers today!
Reply
- Mary Bonner on February 20, 2014 at 12:07 am
  
  What a honor to see you here, Karrilee. I see your face and comments around the blog world…yes, "scared is the new brave" GULP! 🙂
  Reply
Jennifer @ JenniferDukesLee.com on February 19, 2014 at 6:19 pm

Your words touch my heart deeply today. Just right, for right now. xo
Reply
- Mary Bonner on February 20, 2014 at 12:07 am
  
  Thank you, Jennifer. I am humbled that you stopped by and even more so that my words touched you.
  Reply
Betty Draper on February 20, 2014 at 12:51 am

Mary, thanks for the visit to my blog. I just read through your Lynme disease posts because I just talked to my friend who son has it. He got it while he was still in high school and is on high doses of meds daily. His 7 year old marriage has broke up, divorce is coming and one of the things she could not handle was the effects of the disease. The for better or worst, sickness or in health somehow did not apply to her. It been so sad. He cannot afford the meds he takes so his parents have been paying for them but now sure how much longer they will be able to do it. So your post on your and your husband trails with this disease blessed my heart.

Now back to your following Jesus…this was good too, very too the point since you always pointed it toward Jesus, The finisher of our faith. You are so right, God said to take courage, it us being active even when filled with fear a lot of the time. But it is worth it, every time. And each time you take courage by the hand and obey Him your faith becomes deeper in Him. Will be back for another visit.
Reply
Shelly Miller on February 20, 2014 at 2:10 am

Take heart Mary, may God in you be the courage you need to face the hurdles and the unknowns to reach the promise.
Reply
BARBIE on February 20, 2014 at 4:51 am

Courage. That's what I need today. In this season of quiet and rest, I find myself doubting my purpose. I need that courage to keep me walking forward into what He's already called me to do.
Reply
Lisa notes... on February 20, 2014 at 3:45 pm

That verse in Joshua speaks so much to me too because I often feel so timid and ordinary; who am I to attempt things? But I'm reminded that the point is Jesus is with me–that's where I should place my courage. I'm glad you're continuing to share in this space what the Lord is speaking to you because I'm listening to that too.

And I would love, love, to get to meet you in real life too one day! Who knows?
Reply

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In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

May 9

Open

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn't post it because I didn't like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I'm reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I'm grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I'm grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor