Last night, about 9 p.m. the phone rang…a ring unique to only one phone number…that of my son, Andy. If you are new to my blog here is a quick take…on Andy’s 22nd birthday he announce he was quitting college and moving. Moving very far away…to the other side of the United States. Three time zones…2600 miles away. He said he had a job and a place to live. I had a really hard time with his decision. I felt he was throwing away opportunities…but, he was a young adult and could choose his own way. Back to last night…
he called. It was the first time I had heard his voice since early September. With the time difference, work and sleep schedules, it is hard to make connections, especially since John and I have been out of town in places with no cell reception a lot lately. To hear his voice…it warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes before the conversation was over.
My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.
I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish;
no one can snatch them out of my hand.
My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all;
no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand.
John 10:27-29
After the conversation was over and we hung up the phone and the tears were dried…I said a prayer of thanksgiving. Thankful he called, thankful we had a good conversation. I was reminded of how my heavenly Father must feel when His children don’t call, when His children don’t spend time with Him. He is NEVER out of cell range, never out of e-mail range…in fact, we don’t even NEED technology to talk with Him, to spend time with Him. No, he is ever present…all knowing…
Lord, thank you for the phone call. Thank you for being patient with me and showing me that You are still in control, that You know what is going on, that You are taking care of things. Lord, thank you for the reminder that You want Your children to spend time with You…more than just on Sunday, more than just a quick prayer here and there through the week. You WANT to hear my voice, WANT to hear my cries…thank you Lord, for the gift of your Son…for the blessings I have received. I praise you and thank you.
For the first time I am linking to Spiritual Sundays For some inspirational posts, check it out.
What really hit me was the reference to technology. Yea, I sit around with friends and talk about how incredible it is that we can talk to people around the world with cell phones, emails, world wide web etc. and totally take for granted the "wireless" communication with the Father without turning on one single thing or charging one single battery.
I love your analogy here. Yes, we know His voice. What an awesome sound in our spirit.
It is difficult when our children are adults and make decisions we question or feel concerned about. It is a great comfort to know we can trust God to guide the steps of our children and watch over them when we cannot. Love the analogy too….Blessings.
mmm, ok as a mom all I can think is God please don't let my kids move that far away! perhaps selfish of me but it really is my prayer, you are right we should be so excited to talk to Him every day just like we are to others we love.
Oh, sweet friend, my heart has been right there with you. Isn't it difficult to be the parent of a young adult? I love the way the Holy Spirit reminded you of our Heavenly Father and how it must grieve His heart when we neglect our relationship with Him. Yet, He is always there. Waiting. Giving grace, mercy and love everlasting. I rejoice with you for this precious time spent with your son. Praying that you are enjoying a great Sabbath rest today. ~a
Wow, Mary, what a powerful post. I think anyone with grown children who are away from home can really relate to how you felt to hear his voice. What a wonderful introduction to the scripture you chose. Thank you for this wonderful reminder that God always wants to hear from us and we're never out of range anywhere we are in the world to talk to him. Blessings, Charlotte
Hi Mary, your post has spoken to me volumes as I begin a new job tomorrow. 🙂 and when Jesus says,His sheep follow His voice and no one can snatch them out of His hand, I felt that God must be so proud of all His children who stay faithful enough to call Him wherever they are! And Yessssss! How wonderful He is never out of cell range.I praise God for that. Blessings, April
She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.
Born 6-9-1992
Died 6-12-1992
Buried 6-16-1992
That would be 31 years ago today.
Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.
This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.
I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.
I took a walk.
Got a pedicure.
Cried.
And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.
And I give myself permission to do nothing else.
I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.
John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.
I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.
A loss is a loss.
Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.
In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.
My heart still hurts.
I cry at random times.
And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.
I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.
The relationships.
The life events.
Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.
Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.
If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.
I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.
As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.
I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.
Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.
I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.
I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity. And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.
The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.
If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.
Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.
"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss." Blood From a Stone Adam McHugh Page 102
Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.
She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.
There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.
I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.
Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8
If I learned anything from this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13
When I tell people that I am a VA (Virtual Assistant) often they want to know what I DO. And I tell them that I mostly deal with details. Managing the things (details) that creative people do not see themselves as “good at.” Budgets, remembering dates, creating schedules and timelines, gathering data and information, making sure they get paid, etc. A few years ago, I took on my first social media influencer client. And after working for 5 years with only faith-based clients, social media was a different world! I learned how to navigate that world and now my social media clients are among my favorites. In fact, I let go of most of my other clients to allow more time to work with the influencers. One of the faith-based clients I kept is @kriscamealy of @refineretreat
I have known Kris for 10 years and worked with her on Refine for, I don’t know…maybe 6. Kris recognizes the importance of rest and soul-care that enables us to create better and more meaningful content. Allows us to be more present for our families, clients, and our businesses.
Whether we are writing in our journal, painting on a canvas, creating paid content for a social media outlet, sitting at a pottery wheel, whatever the creative outlet we must tend to our souls. We must rest. We must learn to pause.
#Soulcare is not optional in this world in which we live. We must learn to stop so that we are able to go. We can run at a break-neck, full-tilt speed for a while but at some point, we will crash.
If you are looking for a way to slow down and take a weekend to care for yourself and your soul, check out @refineretreat. Maybe Refine isn’t for you. That is ok. But if you think this only applies to faith-based work, check out @lindsaynead ‘s post from April 19. Lindsay is an amazing businesswoman and she recognizes the power of slowing down. Of stopping. Of resting. She took a break and found herself better for it.
Fantastic news!
Hi Mary – it's good to see you on Spiritual Sundays.
Great post here – I wrote a similar post about spending quiet time with the Lord. He has been dealing with me about this lately.
Blessings,
Joan
Mary, I love this post.
What really hit me was the reference to technology. Yea, I sit around with friends and talk about how incredible it is that we can talk to people around the world with cell phones, emails, world wide web etc. and totally take for granted the "wireless" communication with the Father without turning on one single thing or charging one single battery.
I love your analogy here. Yes, we know His voice. What an awesome sound in our spirit.
Thanks, dear friend, for a great post.
Loving you,
Dianne
Such encouragement for a mom's heart. Rejoicing with you. Lovely post!
I'm glad Andy called…I'm glad you heard from him. You got a mother's heart…and I like what you said about God always there…Stay strong ok.
Our children teach us much about our relationship with our Father in Heaven.
It is difficult when our children are adults and make decisions we question or feel concerned about. It is a great comfort to know we can trust God to guide the steps of our children and watch over them when we cannot. Love the analogy too….Blessings.
mmm, ok as a mom all I can think is God please don't let my kids move that far away! perhaps selfish of me but it really is my prayer, you are right we should be so excited to talk to Him every day just like we are to others we love.
I'm so happy you were able to talk to your son. It's hard to understand the directions our adult children take.
Blessings,
Ginger
Oh, sweet friend, my heart has been right there with you. Isn't it difficult to be the parent of a young adult? I love the way the Holy Spirit reminded you of our Heavenly Father and how it must grieve His heart when we neglect our relationship with Him. Yet, He is always there. Waiting. Giving grace, mercy and love everlasting.
I rejoice with you for this precious time spent with your son.
Praying that you are enjoying a great Sabbath rest today.
~a
Wow, Mary, what a powerful post. I think anyone with grown children who are away from home can really relate to how you felt to hear his voice. What a wonderful introduction to the scripture you chose. Thank you for this wonderful reminder that God always wants to hear from us and we're never out of range anywhere we are in the world to talk to him.
Blessings,
Charlotte
Hi Mary,
your post has spoken to me volumes as I begin a new job tomorrow. 🙂 and when Jesus says,His sheep follow His voice and no one can snatch them out of His hand, I felt that God must be so proud of all His children who stay faithful enough to call Him wherever they are! And Yessssss! How wonderful He is never out of cell range.I praise God for that.
Blessings,
April