Continuing the thought…

by Mary Bonner | Jul 28, 2011 | Uncategorized | 15 comments

Yesterday, I reflected on the “intimate miracles” that we experience in our lives that don’t appear to be miracles at the time. Because it was a repost, it did not appear as a new post on the sidebars of some your blogs. If you care, you might want to read it before continuing…or not. 🙂

As I continued to think yesterday about the intimate miracles in my life, the time surrounding Amy’s death came to mind. I still remember the day my husband, John, and I were praying together and he thanked the Lord for the situation. I immediately went from being in a prayerful mood to a not so prayerful mood! When we finished I asked him just what WAS. HE. THINKING. He replied, “The Bible tells us to give thanks for all things.”

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances;

for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

I Thessalonians 5:16-18

OK……it took me a bit longer, but eventually I WAS able to pray and say thank you. Thank you for the short time we had her. Thank you for the opportunity to be her mother. Thank you for choosing me to be the instrument you chose to bring her into this world. Thank you for the hundreds of people that saw YOU because of an infant child that just lived a few days. 19 years later, I can see how the whole experience changed me…molded me…made me WHO. I. AM. It is part of my life experience. I wouldn’t be ME without the experience. This is one of my intimate miracles. John says it was a time he felt like he was being “held in God’s hand.”

It is times like this when the sky of our life is cloudy and in the distance, things are hazy.

Moving on…when my son, Andy made his big decision to quit school and move 3000+ miles away from home, I was devastated. How could he give up yet another opportunity? During this time, John kept saying, “I can see God’s hand in the situation. We are just going to have to trust Him.” Oh, please…AGAIN!?! Yes, again! Fast forward 11 months…Andy jokes he has a PhD from the school of hard knocks, but he learned much in his 11 months away. He returned home a different person. He listens to different music. He engages in different activities. He is a NEW CREATURE, one I enjoy being around, having in my home and spending time with. This adventure (that is what I call it) is part of his life experience. Andy wouldn’t be Andy without this experience. This is an intimate miracle for Andy and me!

God take the ugliest, messiest stuff and changes it for HIS honor and glory. Eventually – maybe not in this life – but eventually, we see things in a clearer light…above the clouds so to speak.

We all experience intimate miracles in our lives…have you thought about yours?

My first time joining Thankful Thursdays

15 Comments

Mildred on July 28, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Mary, Thank you for visiting my blog. I have spent the last minutes reading your blog and I enjoy each and every post.

My older sister lost a baby 17 years ago. She has several blogs but you might especially enjoy "Caleb's Story."
http://caleb-story.blogspot.com

I'll be back to visit with you soon. Enjoy your day.
Reply
Brooke on July 28, 2011 at 3:30 pm

what a hard yet amazing trial/miracle that God held you through. that you could be thankful for it? incredible. and definitely a testimony to Him!
Reply
Patti Hanan on July 28, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Thank you for your beautiful story of praising God for your precious daughter that was on this Earth for such a short time. God brings good out of all circumstances. Sometimes we don't see it at first, but we can be sure he is working. I am glad I found your blog 🙂
Reply
Allison on July 28, 2011 at 4:15 pm

The past few months have become a living testimony in my life to how God turns messes into miracles. I have sat in tears more times than I can count in the first part of this year as I FINALLY see the great Hand of God over my past and where He was leading me to through what I thought was the end of the world.

God is SO good. I wonder how I ever could doubt Him.
Reply
Stephani on July 28, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Amen sister! I hope I'm watching a miracle take place; time will tell.
Reply
NanaNor's on July 28, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Hi there, Thank you so much for coming by my place today. I loved hearing your heart of thanksgiving, even in the trials.
Blessings to you and your family as you continue to shine for Him.
Reply
Eileen Leacock on July 28, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Thanks for visiting. Welcome to thankful Thursday. It is great to have a day each week to reflect on the little and big things our wonderful God has done in our lives. Glad to see he is working powerfully in your life too.

thanks again
Edwards Granddaughter
Reply
Tami Boesiger on July 29, 2011 at 1:17 am

It is tough to see the miracles in trials. Often we need hindsight many years later. When it's too close to see, I continually remind myself that God doesn't make mistakes. And I trust His way is perfect.
Reply
theemissarysfeet on July 29, 2011 at 3:56 am

Thank you for stopping by my blog, indeed God has a purpose for everything, it may seem bad and evil but he can turn anything or everything for our good, your post reminds me of what Apostle Paul, said in Romans 8:28.

Thank you for sharing your testimony of His goodness.
Reply
Joan on July 29, 2011 at 10:57 am

Hi Mary:

It isn't easy to give thanks in all circumstances, but we can rest assured that for believers, God is working all things for good.

Thank you for visiting my blog and for your sweet comment.

Blessings,
Joan
Reply
Karen on July 29, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Hi Mary,
Thank you for visiting Caleb's Story and leaving a sweet comment. I have enjoyed your posts and will be back for more!
Reply
Stefanie Brown on July 30, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Thankfulness surrounding difficult circumstances changed when a message encompassing this scripture filled my ears. When I realized being thankful "in" circumstances NOT "for" circumstances radically changed me. IN the circumstance I can grow, mature, I see His faithfulness and kindness. IN, not FOR…
Thank you for sharing this post.
Have a blessed weekend…
Reply
Michelle DeRusha@Graceful on July 31, 2011 at 12:25 am

John has such an incredible gift to be able to see the hand of God working in the very moment, even in the midst of such hardship and gift. I know we are all blessed with that ability, but I admit, it often takes much more time — years, even — before I can look back and realize, yes, God was there all along.

Such an incredibly important truth you convey here, Mary. Thank you for that.
Reply
Dianne on July 31, 2011 at 1:13 am

Hey Mary,

The pain of your experience touches me so very deeply my friend and because this is something I have never endured, I feel hard pressed to have words to adequately convey what I want to say to you.

Suffice it to know that this post really spoke to me and now I want to explore my most intimate miracles. That is really food for thought. Thank you.

I'll get back with you in an email about other happenings in my life. Thank you for your love, prayers, and concern.

Much love,
D.
Reply
Natalie on August 1, 2011 at 9:19 pm

These are such beautiful testimonies to God's mercies and working in your life, Mary! Thank you for sharing from your heart. You bless!
Reply

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In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

May 9

Open

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn't post it because I didn't like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I'm reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I'm grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I'm grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor