How big is your mountain?

by Mary Bonner | Jun 25, 2012 | Uncategorized | 11 comments

Don’t tell God how big your mountains are,

tell your mountains how big your God is.

I heard this as I was listening to the radio in my car the other day. I thought, hmm…that’s an interesting perspective. But I don’t usually do that. Tell the mountains how big my God is, I mean. No, I’m the girl that tells God I’ve got these problems and I need him to take care of them.

My prayers usually go something like this, “Lord, please forgive me for the times I’ve failed you. Thank you for your son and the many gifts you have given me in this life. Now, Lord, I have this issue (I spell out MY needs or issues) and I sure would like for you to take care it. And this is what I’d like you to do.” Then I proceed to tell God what I want done.

Who do I think I am?

I recently read this quote attributed to Oswald Chambers

We have to pray with our eyes on God, not on the difficulties.

When my focus is on something other than Him, things are cloudy and distorted. It is hard to see things clearly.

But when I keep my focus on God, when I stop telling him WHAT to do and ask him to LEAD me, my perspective changes. Things are clearer.

Lord, I am trying to get there. Trying to reach the place where I don’t tell you how big my mountains are, but tell my mountains how big you are! How I know you can handle every problem that comes my way.

In an effort to succeed at this and I am going to start counting my gifts publicly again. I got away from this a year or so ago. I seemed to be distracted by just writing something down…I was MISSING THE GIFTS in an effort to make a list.

Picking up where I left off…

632. new adventures.
633. son back safely from his vacation.
624. employment.
625. blogging friends that encourage me.
626. fun thrift finds.
627. new car.
628. husband that cooks.
629. special friends.
630. blessings that come to me in surprising ways.
631. special e-mails.
632. beautiful sunsets.

633. rain.
634. marking things off my to do list.
635. Ann Taylor sale.
636. words.

Do you count your gifts? Does it change your perspective? I know it changes mine.

How about telling God what to do…do you do that? Or am I the only person that tries to tell him what to do?

Linking, once again, with Ann for Multitude Mondays.

And with Michelle for Hear it on Sundays…

11 Comments

Southern Gal on June 25, 2012 at 12:03 pm

You are not alone. Control calls to me. I can never have it, but I like to pretend I do. God in His mercy extends grace to help me see He's in control. Oh, Lord, help my unbelief.
Reply
redemptionsbeauty on June 25, 2012 at 1:02 pm

I think I have too much fear of God to tell Him what to do or maybe I need to be better about asking. And that Ann Taylor sale is calling me, I have a gift card I need to use. Glad you started counting again, nice to visit from Ann's today.
Reply
Kelly Hallahan on June 25, 2012 at 1:02 pm

beautiful sunrises. that photo is stunning. what a creative God to paint a new one each day! so blessed. thanks for visiting my blog today!
Reply
Heather B {dreaming big} on June 25, 2012 at 2:12 pm

We have to pray with our eyes on God…I couldn't agree more. This is so hard because our eyes are drawn to what's the closest and often that isn't God. It's just another sign pointing the way to intimacy with the LORD, that he would be closer to us than our problems…thanks for this wise and honest post!
Reply
GLENDA CHILDERS on June 25, 2012 at 2:16 pm

I love this perspective, Mary.
Reply
The Calm of His Presence on June 25, 2012 at 5:14 pm

"Don't tell God how big your mountains are, tell your mountains how big your God is." Oh what a great quote, I need to remember that one. Need to do a lot of talking to my mountains :-). Thanks for stopping by this morning, glad to see you are counting your gifts again. It does help open my eyes to God's gifts in the moments. ~Mary @The Calm of His Presence
Reply
Stacy on June 25, 2012 at 8:10 pm

That is the struggle, isn't it, to not get lost in the difficulties and keep our eyes only on the Father. I am afraid I fail more often that not, but I keep trying and, I think, getting better at it.
Reply
Dianne on June 25, 2012 at 10:30 pm

I am really happy for all of your blessings except one and on that one I am really envious–"husband that cooks"–it seems as though every one but me has a hubby who cooks–mine makes popcorn and I don't eat popcorn–boohoo! woe is me–

No, just kidding–so glad for you and all your awesome blessings–I need to see you again!
Reply
Thoughts for the day on June 26, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Great thoughts as I begin the day, your challenge is wonderful. Thank you
Reply
Susan in SC on June 27, 2012 at 11:24 am

What an insightful post. I think we are all guilty of telling God our problems and how we think they should be fixed. I agree that counting blessings really helps in the dark times.
Reply
Michelle DeRusha on June 28, 2012 at 8:47 pm

We are both musing on prayer this week…and praying similarly, I see! Really good points here, Mary – and wonderful photos to illustrate, too (love that Oswald Chambers quote).
Reply

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In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn`t post it because I didn`t like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I`m reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I`m grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I`m grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

May 9

Open

In what seemed like the blink of an eye, those young 20 somethings were married for 41 years.

The second photo was taken last year on our 40th anniversary. I didn't post it because I didn't like the way my legs looked. Something happened in the last year and I'm reminded that those legs have carried me for 62 years (when the photo was taken). Carried me through 3 pregnancies that gifted me with one living child, @coach_andy_bonner

The last photo was taken on Tuesday as we sat on the beach and a lady walked by and said, "would you like me to take your picture?" We said yes. Time with John is still one of my favorite things. He retired on Friday, before we left on Monday for this trip. There are so many unknowns but so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to in the next stage.

I'm grateful for my clients that give me something to do every day Monday-Friday. @christiepurifoy @kriscamealy @bekah @whatlolalikes @abby_roadhome & to the wonderful team @parkermanagement-you guys all make my life so fun!

And I'm grateful for time at a place like this. Sand and water...not sure there is anything better!

Happy Anniversary Week to my love that is not on ANY social media channel!

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I`ve cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy`s short life.

I`ve tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I`ve experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 16

Open

She died 4 days after she was born. We buried her 4 days after she died.

Born 6-9-1992

Died 6-12-1992

Buried 6-16-1992

That would be 31 years ago today.

Last year, on the 30th anniversary of her birth we re-buried her on the grounds of St. Emma Monastery Greensburg, PA where her paternal grandparents are buried.

This year, today has been harder than Friday, June 9 the day she was born. Or Monday, June 12 the day she died.

I've cried more today than either of the other days.

I took a walk.

Got a pedicure.

Cried.

And chose a simple dinner of appetizers.

And I give myself permission to do nothing else.

I am thankful for the time we had her. For the experience and the things I learned about myself through the experience.

John and I are very conscious of what we say yes to and what we say no to. All because of Amy's short life.

I've tried to use my experience to help others experiencing infant loss-or any loss. Some things are the same no matter the age of the deceased. Even if it is a loss thru miscarriage. I've experienced that too.

A loss is a loss.

Thank you to my sister and niece @sherrigd @tarahelise for letting us spend last weekend on your porch crying, laughing, and drinking wine and margaritas. I love you guys more than you know and I really needed that.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn`t happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don`t be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Jun 9

Open

In what seems like the blink of an eye, it is 31 years later. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her.

My heart still hurts.

I cry at random times.

And I miss her. Still. 31 years later.

I grieve all the things that didn't happen.

The relationships.

The life events.

Strangely though there are fewer tears today. Sometimes I think my tears are all gone. The well is dry.

Lack of tears does not mean lack of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So I accept my emotions today-whatever they may be.

If you know someone that has experienced a loss, don't be afraid to tell them you remember. Let them know you care. Take a meal, send a text, write and snail mail a card. We want to know our loss is not forgotten.

#infantloss #trisomy18 #stlouischildrenshospital #grief

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I`m willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother`s Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy`s death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh`s book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won`t be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

Apr 2

Open

Today is Palm Sunday.

I cried in church. Not because I was thinking about the events leading up to the crucifixion but because there was a little girl of about 5 or so sitting in front of me. She had the most gorgeous dark hair. With streaks of gold running through it. Natural streaks. Not the artificial colored streaks I pay more than I'm willing to share to get every few months.

As I observed her I thought about my own daughter. The one that died at 4 days old.

I thought of how she might be standing next to me this morning or next Sunday on Easter. Maybe she would have travelled to Charlotte to spend some time with her dad and me.

Grief is something that robs us of so much. It robs me of not just my daughter but it robs me of being the mom of a daughter.

I look at some of my closest friends, all mothers of daughters and I envy, yes ENVY!, the relationships they all have with their daughters. They may not agree with them on all things or see eye-to-eye with them but the daughters lead the charge to throw surprise 60th birthday parties for their parents or make sure that mom gets a Mother's Day card, a birthday card, etc.

I think daughters are different than sons. Daughters are more sensitive than sons based on my observations as an outsider. I do not experience that sensitivity.
And I grieve the fact that I am not the mother of a daughter.

The version of me before Amy's death is totally different than the me that is here now.

If you want to read more about about my daughter, Amy, you can go to https://marybonner.net/?s=Amy and read more about my journey through infant loss and moving forward.

Adam McHugh's book Blood From a Stone is a beautiful piece of writing about returning from the dead. I encourage you to check it out. You can find the book on Amazon or wherever books are sold. Find and follow him @adammchughwine You won't be sorry.

"Grief is so agonizing not only because you have lost something, but you have lost someone, and that someone is the version of you that was alive before your loss."
Blood From a Stone
Adam McHugh
Page 102

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Aug 6

Open

@coach_andy_bonner made me a mom. His wife, Ashley, made me a mother-in-law. Happy Anniversary to them! 6 years and counting. Dad and I love you!

Every June I think I`m going to handle this better. Whatever better looks like - I don`t know. 30 years and I still cry at random times. And every June I fall apart.

She would have been 30 next week. Instead of whisking her off for a 30th birthday trip to Key West like we did for her brother @coach_andy_bonner or Niagara Falls like we did for his wife we will make another kind of trip.

There will be a mass next Saturday and we will stand at a grave site as we move her body from the small town where she was buried to a final resting place by her paternal grandparents on the beautiful grounds of St Emma Monastery in Greensburg, PA.

I look forward to the weekend and I dread it all at the same time.

Today I broke down and sobbed. Just like yesterday. And probably will tomorrow. But I remember that He catches my tears in a bottle Psalm 56:8

If I learned anything from
this life experience, it is this: I can do hard things. But not of my own strength. Philippians 4:13

And live to tell about.

Amy Elizabeth Bonner
Jun 9, 1992 - Jun 12, 1992

#infantloss #psalm56
#trisomy18 #philippians413 #childloss #infantlosssurvivor